Today on As the World Turns, Luke catches Ameera on the phone with the good folks over at the Oakdale Penitentiary/Hard-Labor Camp. She's trying to get in touch with Noah's cranky and homicidal curmudgeon of a father, Captain Pervy.

When Luke confrotns her, Ameera tells him to butt out, and later when Luke then tries to broach the subject with Noah things don't go much better.

Will a pep talk from Luke's grandma, Lady Drumstick, set things to right between the boys?

Watch today's video clips (there are two) after the break to find out.

Yes, we're back for another thrilling day of inaction and non-adventure in the saga of Luke, Noah, and The Prettiest Little Plot Device East of St. Olaf.

In today's episode it looks like Luke gets all Harriet the Spy on Noah's sham wife, and catches her on the phone with Noah's murderous, homophobic father, Captain Pervy. Now, I'm generally a big fan of thrillers that revolve around telephones (Murder by Phone, Don't Answer the Phone, Cellular), but this might put an end to that once and for all. What will happen when Luke confronts Ameera? How will Noah react when he hears that his wife has put his killer pop in her Fave 5? And most importantly, should I have tuna fish or dumplings for lunch?!!

The answers to these questions and more await through the jump...

Today on As the World Turns, Noah pays a prison visit to his dad, Captain Pervy, leaving Luke to bond with Ameera over coffee.

How will all this play out? Watch today's video clip after the break to find out. Plus as a special bonus, also after the break find shirtless pics of Hotprechaun!

That's right, today is a very special day on As the World Turns: It marks the long-awaited return of Noah's dad, the insidious Captain Pervy (aka Colonel Win Mayer, played by McCormick Daniel Hugh Kelly). Pervs is currently serving ten to twenty in Oakdale State Pen for attempting to kill Luke with a Toaster Strudel on a camping trip (Worst. Bonding. Weekend. Ever.), and many of us probably forgot about the lovable old sociopath except for the occasional Oz/ATWT slashfic musings. Or maybe that's just my thing.

Anyway, today our feuding lovebirds somehow find their way back into the insidious clutches of Captain Pervs, whom we have suspected all along might have something to do with the appearance of Ameera in this whole messy situation. Will Pervs be able to tap into his previous work as the lead on I Married Dora to advise his son on how to make a sham marriage workable? (I mean, honestly, he really wrote the book on it...) Does his return mean that Luke should be hiding the preservative-filled breakfast pastries and ducking for cover?

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out ... as it happens! 

Today on As the World Turns, Luke moves in with Noah & Ameera so he can keep an eye on his man. Ameera plays it really cool and even offers Luke her spot beside Noah in the bedroom. She's "the guest here." She's happy to sleep on the couch. (Yeah right.)

But it's not long before Luke comes to regret this new living arrangement. Before he even has a chance to unpack, he storms off in a huff back to Pity Me Farms and Papa Holden's "I told you so."

How did Ameera manage to dislodge Luke so quickly? Watch today's video clip after the break to find out. Also, be sure and check out today's liveblog from our own Brian Juergens!

Yes, it looks like we're finally moving towards some resolution on this whole sham marriage fiasco that has kept the boys apart for the last several months. But of course, being soapland, it's not going to come too easily...

Today Luke moves into the Love Shack, but with Ameera lurking in doorways, he can't relax. But what will be the straw to break the gay teenager's back ... will Ameera use his hot iron without permission? Will she drink milk right out of the carton? Or will she ... I don't know, try to make out with his boyfriend? Again? We're not sure, but we hope Cosmic Cow is somehow involved.

How will things play out for the most improbable love triangle in gay television history? Click on through and refresh often to find out!

Today's episode starts with Noah rebuffing a vamped out Ameera. That's right, she's traded the head scarf and frumpy smock for a very revealing low cut dress. She looks good, but those perky dirty pillows are wasted on Noah, who tells her he doesn't "go for that." Not unless he's good and liquored up first.

In a panic, he calls Luke for backup. Luke decides the only thing to do is move in so he can keep an eyeon his man. Will Ameera hide her sexy self under a potato sack again and go along with this new living arrangement?

To find out, watch today's video clip after the break. Also, be sure and check out today's liveblog from our own Brian Juergens!

Okay, have we all caught our collective breath after yesterday's out-of-left-field kiss between Luke and Noah? Are we ready to revisit the still-flagging storyline with renewed interest and newfound resolve? And more than anything, are we prepared for the glory that is Hot & Horny Ameera?

I'm sure we're all upset that the character has been dropped in between our fellas like daytime television's most earnest chastity belt, but I've really tried to be careful not to be too harsh on our little exile from St. Olaf ("face-hugger" and "remora" comments notwithstanding, of course).

And in that light, WOW! Ameera's a hottie!

But enough about that, as it was always kind of clear that she was hiding her lamp under a bushel. Let's get back to the matter at hand - namely, the romance of Luke and Noah. Now that Ameera's girls motives are out in the open, it looks like Luke suggests that he move in with them. Uh-oh, I see bed-jumping hijinx and Jack Tripper "misunderstandings" aplenty, if that comes to pass. 

How will it all play out? Click on through the jump to find out, as it happens! 

Fasten your seatbelts, folks! After 211 days of longing glances, camera pans to mistletoe, and various highly contrived and annoying obstacles — today on As the World Turns Luke and Noah finally kissed. Not once, but three times. And it was really very sweet!

Meanwhile, in case you're remotely interested, Ameera got herself a tarty makeover.

We've got today's video clip after the break. Also be sure and check out today's liveblog from our own Brian Juergens!

So today an already disastrous storyline gets even more thrilling when Nameera and Cake plan a birthday party for Ameera. So what kind of party does one throw for a sham wife from another country who has designs on her gay husband and a questionable past? One word: Pinata!

Okay, there probably won't be a pinata, and body shots and a Strip-A-Gram are probably out of the question. Actually, considering the underwhelming production values lately, the kids will likely have to reuse the party festoonery from Brad and Katie's ill-attended engagement party a few weeks ago. Sorry, Ameera ... it's a hard candy Christmas.

Will Ameera's bridezilla birthday demands finally open Noah's eyes to the fact that he's married to a sociopath? Will Luke hire an ICE agent to jump out of her cake?

Click on through the jump and refresh to find out, as it happens! 

UPDATE: Ladies and gentlemen, we have liplock!

More after the jump...