Yes, we're back for another thrilling day of inaction and non-adventure in the saga of Luke, Noah, and The Prettiest Little Plot Device East of St. Olaf.

In today's episode it looks like Luke gets all Harriet the Spy on Noah's sham wife, and catches her on the phone with Noah's murderous, homophobic father, Captain Pervy. Now, I'm generally a big fan of thrillers that revolve around telephones (Murder by Phone, Don't Answer the Phone, Cellular), but this might put an end to that once and for all. What will happen when Luke confronts Ameera? How will Noah react when he hears that his wife has put his killer pop in her Fave 5? And most importantly, should I have tuna fish or dumplings for lunch?!!

The answers to these questions and more await through the jump...

That's right, today is a very special day on As the World Turns: It marks the long-awaited return of Noah's dad, the insidious Captain Pervy (aka Colonel Win Mayer, played by McCormick Daniel Hugh Kelly). Pervs is currently serving ten to twenty in Oakdale State Pen for attempting to kill Luke with a Toaster Strudel on a camping trip (Worst. Bonding. Weekend. Ever.), and many of us probably forgot about the lovable old sociopath except for the occasional Oz/ATWT slashfic musings. Or maybe that's just my thing.

Anyway, today our feuding lovebirds somehow find their way back into the insidious clutches of Captain Pervs, whom we have suspected all along might have something to do with the appearance of Ameera in this whole messy situation. Will Pervs be able to tap into his previous work as the lead on I Married Dora to advise his son on how to make a sham marriage workable? (I mean, honestly, he really wrote the book on it...) Does his return mean that Luke should be hiding the preservative-filled breakfast pastries and ducking for cover?

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out ... as it happens! 

Yes, it looks like we're finally moving towards some resolution on this whole sham marriage fiasco that has kept the boys apart for the last several months. But of course, being soapland, it's not going to come too easily...

Today Luke moves into the Love Shack, but with Ameera lurking in doorways, he can't relax. But what will be the straw to break the gay teenager's back ... will Ameera use his hot iron without permission? Will she drink milk right out of the carton? Or will she ... I don't know, try to make out with his boyfriend? Again? We're not sure, but we hope Cosmic Cow is somehow involved.

How will things play out for the most improbable love triangle in gay television history? Click on through and refresh often to find out!

Okay, have we all caught our collective breath after yesterday's out-of-left-field kiss between Luke and Noah? Are we ready to revisit the still-flagging storyline with renewed interest and newfound resolve? And more than anything, are we prepared for the glory that is Hot & Horny Ameera?

I'm sure we're all upset that the character has been dropped in between our fellas like daytime television's most earnest chastity belt, but I've really tried to be careful not to be too harsh on our little exile from St. Olaf ("face-hugger" and "remora" comments notwithstanding, of course).

And in that light, WOW! Ameera's a hottie!

But enough about that, as it was always kind of clear that she was hiding her lamp under a bushel. Let's get back to the matter at hand - namely, the romance of Luke and Noah. Now that Ameera's girls motives are out in the open, it looks like Luke suggests that he move in with them. Uh-oh, I see bed-jumping hijinx and Jack Tripper "misunderstandings" aplenty, if that comes to pass. 

How will it all play out? Click on through the jump to find out, as it happens! 

So today an already disastrous storyline gets even more thrilling when Nameera and Cake plan a birthday party for Ameera. So what kind of party does one throw for a sham wife from another country who has designs on her gay husband and a questionable past? One word: Pinata!

Okay, there probably won't be a pinata, and body shots and a Strip-A-Gram are probably out of the question. Actually, considering the underwhelming production values lately, the kids will likely have to reuse the party festoonery from Brad and Katie's ill-attended engagement party a few weeks ago. Sorry, Ameera ... it's a hard candy Christmas.

Will Ameera's bridezilla birthday demands finally open Noah's eyes to the fact that he's married to a sociopath? Will Luke hire an ICE agent to jump out of her cake?

Click on through the jump and refresh to find out, as it happens! 

UPDATE: Ladies and gentlemen, we have liplock!

More after the jump...

Oh, fine, fine ... Ameera's not technically wielding any sharp objects and to our knowledge she hasn't actually killed anyone. Yet.

But is there anyone out there who doesn't think that she's up to no good? There mustn't be, because if even the characters on the show have gotten wise to the situation (they're not always the quickest on the uptake, if you remember), then that means it must be pretty much written on her face. 

Yes, in today's episode, noted rocket scientist Casey is the first person to realize that Ameera has designs on Noah that go beyond simply marrying and living with him. (Crazy, right?) The real question now is whether resident Queen of Denial Luke will finally get hip to the situation and stand up for himself and his ever-dense boyfriend, or end up being boiled on the stovetop like Mister Hopsalot.

How will it all go down? Click on through the jump and refresh to find out as it happens, and join in the bitchfest in the comments! 

Not like that's really too hard, these days. But fans of Luke and Noah (and their real-life counterparts, Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann) and the mechanisms of daytime television might want to keep an eye on the web show InTurn, which awards one lucky aspiring soap star with a 13-week contract on As the World Turns. (Get it? In Turn?)

While it doesn't look like any of the four male contestants is openly gay (three of the guys mention girfriends or wives in their bios), the preview video suggests that they'll be asked to do a guy/guy love scene in one of the challenges, as screencapped above. (From what I can tell, that's Peyton on the left and Michael on the right.)

And Van and Jake are on-hand in some capacity (mentors? judges?), which is never a bad thing. Maybe they'll be there to share their tips on how to inject sexual innuendo into discussion of deli meats or use jumping on the bed like a sugarbombed third-grader as a metaphor for actual physical intimacy? We'll have to wait and see.

InTurn 3 (yes, this is the third season) premieres tomorrow, with new eps posted every Tuesday and Thursday.

Check out the video preview after the jump!

After yesterday's bed-hopping, tummy-bumping shenanigans, Luke and Noah are back to being utterly serious about the whole "sham wedding to throw off immigration and drive Casey to climb a bell tower with a high-powered rifle" thing. So the boys decide to do what any enterprising gay boys would do in this situation: put on a show!

Yes, Nuke decide that the answer to their problems is to make a movie about their situation ... and to help them out, I've taken the time to throw together a poster that they're more than welcome to use.

Will Ameera be game for this project? Will Casey be camera-shy? Will Andie MacDowell ever forgive me for replacing her head with Sharkie?

Click through the jump and refresh to find out as it happens! 

Yes, today Noah and Ameera move into their new lovenest, and we embark on a new phase of Luke and Noah's relationship: Namely, the phase where the writers have to figure out how to keep the guys from playing hide-the-mistletoe now that they aren't under the watchful eye of Gramma Emma, Little Miss Stormcloud, and the rest of the wardens at the Snyder Home for Wayward Gay Teens and Illegal Immigrants.

If today's preview is any indication, the boys hit the ground running in their attempts to christen their new love shack, with Luke nearly popping from having kept his raging gay hormones in check for the last, oh, six months. Of course, we can pretty much guarantee that something will come along to foul the boys' good time, and that the PTB will be falling over themselves to be sure that the boys aren't able to consummate their love.

What will the coitus interruptus be today? An ICE agent hiding in the pantry? A Girl Scout selling cookies door-to-door? A busted water main?

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out!