We've been grousing that this year's Oscars are the straightest in recent memory, which may be a turnoff for some gay movie/awards show/red carpet lovers. So here are a few simple suggestions to make your Oscar viewing the Gay! Gay! Hollywood! celebration that we love and deserve.

1. Pretend all non-married nominated characters are gay

Remember back before there were gay characters on screen and audiences had to dig for gay subtext with a pickaxe and night goggles? Well, here we are again. So for the purposes of getting through the night alive, pretend that Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton, Anton Sigurh from No Country for Old Men, and the old guy from Into the Wild are gay.

Hey, for once not all the gay characters are psychos or and don't all have to die! Sweet...

2. Gay celebrity drinking game

Want to save on your champagne budget this year? Make a drinking game out of every time the broadcast show an out gay man. Granted, this will likely happen only once or twice during the show, depending on whether or not shut-out Hairspray director Adam Shankman could snag a ticket on eBay. So don't blink! 

Hairspray's Nikki Blonsky and Adam Shankman 

3. Rename the nominees with gayer titles

To gay up the fun, refer to the nominees by these titles throughout. (Those who forget go through the spanking machine!)

There Will Be Boy Butter

No Country for Trolled Men

Michael Clay Aiken

Queeney Todd: The Demon Hairdresser of Fleet Street

A Toned Man 

The Diving Bell and the Butt Pirate 

Get Me Away From Her 

What Ever Happened to Baby Juno? 

The Character Assassination of Jesse James by the Bossy Bottom Robert Ford 

4. Stack the deck

Watch the Oscars with as many gay people as possible, for maximum effect. Chances are it will be playing at  your local gay bar/community center/coffee shop/dungeon, so if you don't have any gays at the ready to help you make it through the broadcast, go find some new ones. Safety in numbers! 

Indeed! 

Well, the nominations for the 80th Annual Academy Awards were released just minutes ago, and they're just as violence-filled, dour, and heterosexual as everyone had predicted.

Remember the days when Capote, Brokeback Mountain, Transamerica and more gave the categories some flair? Not this year, where angry, obsessed men make up most of the noms (No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton, In the Valley of Elah, even Sweeney Todd) and the lone comedy is about a pregnant moppet.

At first glance there are no openly gay men up for any of the major awards, and the only role that has even a whiff of queerness to it is Cate Blanchett's gender-bending turn as Bob Dylan in Todd Haynes's I'm Not There. (Haynes, as well as Hairspray's Adam Shankman, were shut out despite delivering critically acclaimed films that were not nearly violent or depressing enough.) But hey - Norbit got a nomination!! 

Even though I saw almost all of the nominated films and enjoyed many of them, this is disappointing, and I can't imagine that the Oscar viewing parties are going to be much fun this year (if the ceremony even happens, as they are insisting it will).

I mean, how do you come up with a theme menu based on these titles?

"The Diving Bell and the Butterbeans"?

"Into the Wild Rice"?

"There Will be Blood Pudding"?

"Ratatouille"? Oh ... well, there is that...

Golden Globe winner Cate Blanchett as Bob Dylan in I'm Not There

Wow. Even we didn't think it would be THAT bad...

Yes, last night's star-challenged Golden Globes press conference was even less watchable than we had predicted, partly because of the ever-challenging presence of Billy Bush, who more than anything seemed peeved that he was missing Desperate Housewives by having to be there. Aside from lacking everything that we love about the Globes (the red carpet, the drunken acceptance speeches, the cameras catching the rictus grins of the losers when someone else's name is announced), the list of winners was also something of a fever-dream.

Marion Cotillard? Mad Men? Samantha Morton? Atonement? Really? I mean, I know this is the HFPA and they're a bit more ... you know, "European" than most American moviegoers in their tastes, but some of this year's winners almost seemed like a big raspberry to Hollywood. 

Aside from Sweeney Todd (which is of course the masterpiece of gay composer and writer Stephen Sondheim) winning Best Motion Picture Comedy or Drama (and Johnny Depp taking the acting honor for the same film) and Cate Blanchett snagging a trophy for her gender-bending performance as Bob Dylan in Todd Haynes' I'm Not There, this year's awards were as straight as the stripes on Bush's tie.

Anyway, in light of this, the hobbled People's Choice Awards from earlier this week, and other entertainment-kudos-related disappointments, we've launched the first ever Gay People's Choice Awards poll on the main page, to spice this season up a bit and make sure that every queer voice is heard. Be sure to check it out and cast your votes! 

The full list of Globules (cribbed from Variety, thanks!) is after the jump ... any thoughts?

Today the Hollywood Foreign Press Association announced the nominations for the 65th annual Golden Globe Awards. While there were very few legitimately gay films to choose from in the first place, some films with gay pedigrees (Hairspray, Sweeney Todd) racked up the nods.

Here's a rundown of the gay-related noms. They're trickling out gradually (and there are a lot to get through, between movies and television), so I'm updating as they hit the wire. Refresh for updates!

Best Picture (Drama)

• Eastern Promises (Read our review)

Best Picture (Musical or Comedy)

• Hairspray
• Sweeney Todd 

Best Actress (Drama)

• Jodie Foster, The Brave One

Best Actress (Musical or Comedy)

• Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray
• Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd

Best Actor (Musical or Comedy)

•  Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd

Best Animated Film

•  The Simpsons Movie

Best Actress, Television (Musical or Comedy)

•  America Ferrera, Ugly Betty

Best Supporting Actress, Television

• Katherine Heigl, Grey's Anatomy
• Rachel Griffiths, Brothers & Sisters

Best Television Miniseries or Movie

•  The State Within

The Globes will be presented live on NBC on Sunday, January 13th. The full list of nominees (courtesy of Variety) is after the jump!

• Neil Patrick Harris and boyfriend David Burtka were given the full-page tabloid treatment just like any other young Hollywood couple in Us Weekly, after their adorable red carpet turn at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. "True love" and everything!

• Cheyenne Jackson admitted to bleeding like a mere mortal at the NYC premiere of Sweeney Todd. I'm not buying it: no one who looks this good without pants has anything less than pure ambrosia running through his veins.

• Speaking of Cheyenne Jackson (What, was I? Again?), check him out, along with Bernadette Peters and others, at the celebration of Broadway's return following the 19-day strike. Those show-folk. So ... showy!

• Cleveland Indians pitcher Kazuhito Tadano has returned to play ball in Japan, after initially being rejected in his home country when a gay porn video he appeared in surfaced. (He stressed that he's not gay ... you know, he did it for the kids!) My favorite part of the story? The team he'll be playing for is called the Sapporo Ham.

• Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency's new gays on the (auction) block, Shaun and Paul, dished to Gaywired about the show and their wonderfully unhinged new boss. Be sure to keep up on our recaps of the brand new season!

• We mentioned Fall from Grace, the doc on monstrous minister Fred Phelps in the weekend Queerview, but here's a great review to nudge you into watching one if its upcoming airings on Showtime.