So you may have heard by now that the Golden Globes ceremony, easily the most interesting televised major awards show, has been essentially canceled. Yes, the red carpet has been rolled up, the parties have been nixed, and the doling out of the awards has been slashed to a press conference helmed by NBC News. Oh wow, how exciting! Please tell me Ryan Seacrest will be there to ask Brian Williams who he's wearing.

In related news, tonight's People's Choice Awards have similarly been downgraded to the reading of a leaflet at the Beverly Center, or the like. We were actually looking forward to PCA nominee Neil Patrick Harris rocking the red carpet with David Burtka (they do clean up so nicely!) but it looks like there will be none of that.

In fact, there may be none of anything, at this point. Aside from the SAG Awards (which worked out an interim deal with the writers, big surprise!), no other awards shows are a sure thing at this point, including our beloved, bloated Oscars. So like so many of you who are stocking up for a potentially starvation-inducing lean stretch of clumsy acceptance speeches and formal attire misfires, I actually watched the Critics' Choice Awards last night on VH1 and am here to share the highlights.

You can thank me later for taking this one for the team.

Aside from boasting possibly the worst host in the history of awards shows (D.L. Hughley) and the worst written jokes to go along with him (please settle with the writers, studios!! We can't take much more of this!), the affair was a complete trainwreck start to finish. They turned the lights off on Marisa Tomei, Feist and Snoop Dogg had no microphones, and the presenters all looked like the teleprompters were making fun of them. What, are the stagehands on strike again, too?

The highlights of the evening were thus: