Dateline December, 2005 — Captain America and crime-fighting life partner, Bucky, today disappointed fans by calling off their 66-year engagement. The pair met fighting Nazis during World War Two and despite many twists and turns in their tumultuous relationship, had finally set a date for a Massachusetts wedding this Spring.

“Cap just got cold feet, I guess,” said Bucky tearfully. ”I was so ready to settle down, adopt a kid, maybe start up a Bed & Breakfast or something, but the big jerk said he felt smothered and broke it off."

The shield-wielding superhero released a separate statement through his publicist. “It is with a heavy heart that I, Captain America, must admit I’m simply not ready for gay marriage. I tried to meet my beloved Bucky halfway. I suggested a symbolic commitment ceremony. Even offered him a domestic-partnership type arrangement, but no, he wanted the full rights and privileges of legal marriage. I think he’s being very unreasonable when I’ve tried my best to compromise.”

“Compromise? Hah! That’s a laugh.” Said Bucky. “All he wants to do is go clubbing with his Avenger pals. Well he can go jump in a lake for all I care. Let’s see if Iron Man can keep him warm at night. I don’t think so!”

Dateline March, 2006 — Interior designer Walter Johnson-Gould and life partner James Gould-Johnson bid a tearful farewell today to baby Zahaddox, the 7-month Ethiopian child they had adopted two weeks ago.

“It was so hard,” says James. “In the short time we’ve had her we’ve grown really attached! Walter and I have a lot of love to share and we really want to do that with a child of color. Just not this exact color. As you can see, Zahaddox’s complexion, though gorgeous, is “bisque” or in some lights, ‘burnt umber.’ That just wasn’t going to work with our home’s color scheme.

Designer James Johnson-Gould with Baby Zahaddox

The couple, partners in the renowned Beverly Hills design firm, Johnson-Gould Interiors, deflected charges of racism and criticism that perhaps they were placing aesthetic concerns ahead of the child’s welfare. “Racist? Oh please! We didn’t care if our baby was black, white, Asian, boy, girl, or even developmentally challenged. As long as it went with the drapes we’d love it just the same.”

“Unfortunately, she didn’t go with the drapes.”

“There will always be a place in our hearts for Zahaddox, but as interior designers good design is absolutely paramount to us! Our house is a showroom for potential clients so we had to make the hard call and return her to the adoption agency. They have assured us they can find another loving home for Zahaddox. Preferably, a loving home decorated in light, earth tones.”

Baby Zahaddox — Better with earth tones
                                                                         photo source: flickr/babasteve

When asked why they’d brought the child home in the first place, the couple placed part of the blame on the overseas adoption agency. “Their literature said they specialized in colorblind adoptions,” said Walter. “We didn’t know they meant that literally.”

“We were really specific in our application. We told them up front we wanted a nubian-type child with a blue-black complexion. We even attached some color swatches for reference. These obviously were ignored.”

“The Ethiopian orphanage had flourescent lighting and Zahaddox had such a bewitching smile. We really thought it could work! We didn’t know until we actually got her home how badly she would clash with our chenille sectional and imported damask drapes.”

“Still,” James conceded, “we’re kicking ourselves for not taking Polaroids of the living room over to Ethiopia with us.”