Dateline December, 2005 — Captain America and crime-fighting life partner, Bucky, today disappointed fans by calling off their 66-year engagement. The pair met fighting Nazis during World War Two and despite many twists and turns in their tumultuous relationship, had finally set a date for a Massachusetts wedding this Spring.

“Cap just got cold feet, I guess,” said Bucky tearfully. ”I was so ready to settle down, adopt a kid, maybe start up a Bed & Breakfast or something, but the big jerk said he felt smothered and broke it off."

The shield-wielding superhero released a separate statement through his publicist. “It is with a heavy heart that I, Captain America, must admit I’m simply not ready for gay marriage. I tried to meet my beloved Bucky halfway. I suggested a symbolic commitment ceremony. Even offered him a domestic-partnership type arrangement, but no, he wanted the full rights and privileges of legal marriage. I think he’s being very unreasonable when I’ve tried my best to compromise.”

“Compromise? Hah! That’s a laugh.” Said Bucky. “All he wants to do is go clubbing with his Avenger pals. Well he can go jump in a lake for all I care. Let’s see if Iron Man can keep him warm at night. I don’t think so!”