This week was the season finale of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, and what it lacked in laughs and gay content, it made up for in heart (ugh ... I know, that was horrible, but the snark is going to be hard to dish out due to the subject matter of this episode).

Kathy is prepping for her visit to Walter Reed Army Hospital, where she'll meet with and perform for injured soldiers. She's feeling nervous because she's not sure this audience will appreciate her Britney Spears and Brangelina jokes, but even more nervous is her military tour guide Lt. Colonel Todd, who has been to Iraq with Kathy and is wary about what language she'll use with the soldiers (because ... profanity is discouraged in the military?).

Kathy turns to Joan Rivers for advice on how to handle the situation, and Joan recommends talking about hairy Iraqi women, and suggests getting support from the gay male nurses. For some reason, this doesn't assuage her fears.

When they get to the hospital, Kathy's guide is a soldier's wife named Susan, who's just twenty years old, and is dealing with a toddler daughter and a husband who is an amputee. (As Kathy points out "I never could have done any of the stuff these women are doing. I was temping, and auditioning for Fresh Prince of Bel Air.")

Susan shows Kathy a picture of her giving her husband a playful spanking, and when a nearby child asks why he's being spanked, Kathy displays her extreme (and hilarious) awkwardness around kids by getting flummoxed and blurting out, "Because ... Jesus loves you!"

After a short interview with a military magazine, and a visit with an injured soldier who looks far too young to have be dealing with an amputated limb, they visit the Walter Reed rehab center, where they unexpectedly run into Susan's tattooed husband, Jace. Can I just be really shallow for a moment and say that Jace is hot as hell (even with the "I'm hung ... like Saddam" T-shirt he was wearing)?

Kathy meets up with other injured soldiers, including one who talks about the varying degrees of amputation, and how his injury is no big deal because it was below the knee, and the matter-of-fact way he speaks about it is startling. She also meets another amputee who talks about how some days are better than others, and eventually the enormity of the situation bears down on Kathy, and she has to retreat to a private room for some crying time.

You can say what you want about Kathy's material being shallow and superficial, but her humanity and sensitivity are second to none.

After the break, you can meet the ... unique Nick, and find out how the performance went.

On this week's episode of My Life on the D-List, we're nearing the end of the relationship of Kathy Griffin and Apple co-founder, the vaguely strange Steve Wozniak.

There's a definite "absent-minded professor" vibe to Woz (or maybe it's just A.D.D.), and he does have a tendency to go off on Rose Nylund-esque tangents (just replace "back in St. Olaf" with "back in Silicon Valley"), but his wonderful, absolute cluelessness about Kathy's life and general loveability will be missed.

First up, though, is an invitation to speak at a USC business class ... because, well because the professor is gay and a fan. It's here that we finally learn about the beginning of Team Griffin. Jessica was a shampoo girl at a hair salon, Tiffany was found on MySpace, and Tom was originally given a pity job as a dog walker. As origin stories go, it's not exactly Watchmen, but it was interesting to see that Kathy didn't go through any regular methods to find them.

She answers some questions at the lecture, but I was distracted by two guys in the front row, who looked like Bizarro world copies of Blayne from Project Runway, and Anthony Rapp from Rent.

Girlicious!

When Woz invites Kathy to be queen to his king at the Furball (which is a charity event for a pet shelter), she decides that it's the perfect opportunity to set up her friend, actress Rachel True, on a date with one of Woz's brainiac friends.

Rachel is probably best known to most people for the teen witch movie The Craft, but she'll always hold a place in my heart for co-starring in the Alyssa Milano "sexual awakening" classic Embrace of the Vampire (which also starred that guy from Spandau Ballet).

Rachel is open to the idea, and they decide that they'll try and pick a guy when they go to see Woz play Segway polo. Kathy is convinced that the "geeks" will instantly love Rachel, because "they've all seen The Craft, and they've all seen it again ... with their right hand, if you know what I mean."

Rachel's light as a feather, Tom's stiff as a board

At the Segway polo match, Rachel "auditions" the prospective suitors, and narrows it down to two possibilities. The final step of the audition process is a trip to Woz's favorite eatery, The Hickory Pit, which leads to my favorite scene in the episode.

As Rachel tries to probe the two guys with questions, Woz insists on interjecting himself into every single conversation, which soon degenerates into a stream of consciousness ramble. Kathy tries to play it off, but you can tell she was growing uncomfortable.

See what happens at the Furball after the break.

After the ... um ... much-debated episode last week, this week's My Life on the D-List brings Kathy Griffin back home, as she goes all out in her attempt to win a Grammy.

First up, though, is another attempt to squeeze every last drop of publicity from her Emmy, as she heads to a glamorous photo shoot ... at a Los Angeles bus stop. As she's sitting on a sticky L.A. bench in a ball gown, clutching her Emmy and a chihuahua, she's joined by a vaguely terrifying male "model" who engages her in conversations about Family Guy and finger foods (when Kathy explained that the model was just some random dude walking by, I thought she was joking ... but now I'm not sure).

"Ba Ba Ba Ba Baby ... Don't Forget My Number"

Next, it's off to NYC for an album cover photoshoot, for her comedy CD For Your Consideration. The concept is "desperate on the red carpet", and as hot photographer Mike Ruiz clicks away, Kathy crawls around with a mini-Grammy and a pleading look in her mascara-stained eyes, channeling the spirits of Courtney Love and Sally Kirkland.

Of course, Kathy is so sure she'll win a Grammy that she thinks some future financial planning is in order for "Team Griffin" (Jessica, Tiffany, and Tom), so she enlists the aid of Power Lesbian Suze Orman.

I have a confession to make: Suze Orman scares the hell out of me. Every time I see her, she's always emasculating some poor schlub because he used a credit card or bought non-generic toilet paper. Tom takes the brunt of her Ilsa-like fury this time, when he says he wants a Range Rover:

Tom: "I think I should have one, because it says something about my manhood".

Suze: "Girlfriend, you don't HAVE a manhood!"

Tom: "So, I shouldn't express my masculinity through my car?"

Suze: "Do you have any?"

Ouch! Suze also takes Jessica to task (and calls her Jennifer) for leasing a car, and brags about the five houses she has. She's like a cross between Donald Trump and Capt. Janeway.

the rash eventually covers the entire upper half of the victim's body

As much as I took Kathy to task last week for her "gaybies" joke, that pales in comparison to what she does next. She decides that since Britney Spears won a Grammy, she would try to emulate the pop princess by faux dating Britney's former boyfriend-for-a-minute, the papparazzi playboy/male skank (mank?) Adnan Ghallb.

See what happens on their "date", and how Kathy's mother has her own flock of gays, after the break.

This episode of My Life on the D List starts with Kathy Griffin talking about trying to lure her mother away from her gay and equip her with "the old person's survival kit", which includes The Hover-round, Life Alert, and my personal favorite, the Jitterbug, which is the "cell phone for seniors", and looks like a pre-school toy cell phone (complete with painted on numbers).

This week, the show is about a working vacation in Bora Bora, which was decided on after assistants Jessica and Tiffany used one of the tricks from that mega-selling phenomenon The Secret (and as such, Tiffany and Jessica are now dead to me).

The gang arrives in Bora Bora, where Kathy has to perform in two shows for what she thinks is an exclusively gay audience. First, they take time out for a little kayaking and snorkeling in the most dazzling blue water I've ever seen (I live next to Lake Ontario, and the only time the water is blue is when some evil corporation dumps barrels of old anti-freeze in it). Unfortunately, this scene also highlights tour manager Tom, who I'm sad to say is almost as pasty as I am.

Before the first show, Kathy decides to get to know the audience better, and that's when she makes a horrifying discovery ... the audience isn't entirely gay, it's actually forty percent ... straight. This sends her into a mild panic, until she realizes that there's more drama with the straight people than the gays.

There's a strange, very tall straight guy who's not sitting with his wife because "they don't get along", a couple who are divorced but still sleeping together, and then there's ... The Todd (who we'll get to later).

Kathy starts her show...and makes a huge faux pas.

Before she starts her stand-up, Kathy's opening act performs. She's a performance artist named India, and it's fairly clear that at one time in her life, she knew all there was to know about the crying game.

Kathy starts her act, and to say it doesn't go well is an understatement. In between sweating buckets, she makes some ill received jokes about the guests, and also tries out new material about "gaybies".

According to Kathy, gaybies are children who are adopted by gay couples, and apparently that's worth mocking. All of her gays, who were "going to circuit parties six months ago, are suddenly adopting kids. They're so full of sh*t ... you can't return them." Well, that garners a chilly reception, as well it should.

I love Kathy more than anyone, but I really think it's time she widens her gay circle, maybe that way it wouldn't come as such a shock to find out that not all gays have "hedonistic for life" bumper stickers.

Fellow comic Mario Cantone shows up, and the two of them bemoan the fact that some gay people actually want things like "marrriage" and "children", and how above all of that they are.

As you can tell, this isn't my favorite "Kathy" moment.

See if Kathy is able to redeem herself for the second performance, and meet "The Todd" after the break.

The week's episode of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D list brings Kathy's obsessive jealousy of Oprah Winfrey to the forefront, and it results in a trip to Mexico and the tragic abuse of of a Kathy pinata.

We begin with Kathy trying to figure out some way to become "the red-headed Oprah," and she hatches a plan to open a school for girls in Mexico, the same way Oprah did in Africa. Of course, she doesn't have Oprah's power or millions of dollars, so she settles on remodeling the library of an existing school (but still insists in renaming the whole school "The Kathy Griffin Leadership Academy").

Comedian Michael McDonald (from MadTV) shows up to lend moral support, but I'm too distracted to pay attention, because everytime I see him, I can't help but play this classic scene in my mind.

Team Griffin (Jessica, Tiffany, and Tom), Kathy, Steve Wozniak's assistant Julie, and a cute Apple computer guy named Patricio head off to Mexico to take a look at the school, but soon, a tragic incident will bring the festivities to a standstill:

Kathy does her impression of a blood blister

Kathy falls asleep under the sun, and her face ends up looking like chicken cacciatore, but I guess she can look on the bright side and think of it as a natural chemical peel. They head off to the school, which in all seriousness reminded me of Jonestown (or the Jackson family compound).

Kathy is shocked to discover that the students of the school (who are about twelve years old) have never used computers, which leads to my favorite line of the night, which Kathy expertly deadpans:

"They don't even know what the Internet is. I don't think they've even seen Internet porn ... what kind of country is this?"

They take a look at the library building they'll be remodeling, and it's a disaster. There are scorpions crawling all over the place, windows busted, and the entire building reeks of dead rodents and oppression (aah ... that takes me back to my summers at Vacation Bible School). There's only one solution: it's time to hit El Cosco!.

Find out if Kathy is able to "make a difference" after the break.

On the latest episode of My Life on the D-List, our favorite diva Kathy Griffin enters the gay forest, and like Goldilocks's demented red-headed stepsister, breaks in and ransacks the home of the bears ... and they'll never be the same.

First, though, she breaks the news to Team Griffin (Tom, Tiffany, Jessica) that they'll be teaching a class called "How to be a Celebrity Assistant" at ... The Learning Annex.

True story* - years ago, I signed up for a class called "An Evening with Stacey Q", and was bitterly disappointed when all she wanted to talk about was Buddhism. She wouldn't even discuss "Two of Hearts", and got visibly agitated when I asked her about her role as Cinnamon on The Facts of Life.

Anyway, as Team Griffin prepare for their Learning Annex gig, Kathy visits her mother, who has grown uncomfortably close with Patrick, one of Kathy's "main gays". Kathy explains that she and Patrick will be attending the International Bear Roundup and she even has a copy of Bear's Life magazine (not to be confused with Twink's Life or Power Bottom's Life).

Back to Team Griffin, who are visited by Team Wozniack, which consists of one perky girl named Julie who is like that girl in high school who had a plastic smile for everyone, and was on the pep squad, and class treasurer, and volunteered at the daycare center of the church every Sunday, but years later you found out was secretly banging the entire varsity football team.

They head to The Learning Annex, and the class is going well (even though about twenty people showed up), when Kathy and Steve come in and start asking inappropriate questions. The night ends with conversations about lost pantyliners and pulled eyebrows. Um ... how much did this class cost?

Kathy is soon visited by one of her main Emmy rivals, Cesar Milan from The Dog Whisperer, whose accent sometimes rivals Shear Genius's Rene Fris for awesome incomprehensibility. Kathy wagers her Emmy that Cesar will not be able to get her dogs Chance and Pom Pom on the treadmill, and it turns out that Cesar's method is a little more productive tha Kathy's "Do it, or you won't eat for a week, Pom-Pom!" (but don't worry, Kathy says she'll give up her Emmy when they pry it from her cold, dead hands.)

* - may not have actually happened

After the break, it's Da Bears!

After last week's Gay-O-Meter straining episode of My Life on the D-List, this week's episode slows down the pace, although it does feature an appearance from the Ultimate Lesbian(tm).

The show starts off with Kathy and her assistants discussing her upcoming gig at Madison Square Garden in NYC, and her inability to promote the show due to her "re-banning" from The View. It seems that Kathy's innocent remarks in her standup special Straight to Hell about Barbara Walters didn't sit well with TPTB at the talk show.

I don't see what the problem is ... Barbara was the one who brought up using Astro-Glide, not Kathy.

Just let that image sink in for a while

In lieu of visiting The View, Kathy and the gang do something far cooler: they head on over to Rosie O'Donnell's house for a day of crafting! Seeing Rosie's craft room brought back vivid, terrifying memories of going to Vacation Bible School, and spending the summer making ceramic bible characters and accidentally witnessing two of the male counselors ... "getting to know each other Biblically."

Kathy is naturally shocked and outraged when she sees that Rosie's kids have defaced her Emmy Awards (one of them looks like it was dipped in a vat of Red Hots), and it made me wish that I could have been raised by such a cool mom like Rosie. (My mom is cool, but she busted my butt when I was a kid just because I wrapped her stupid Faberge Egg in Garbage Pail Kids stickers.)

Kathy and Rosie discuss The View, and then make an interesting deal. If Kathy can get boyfriend Steve Wozniak to procure an invitation for Rosie to attend something called The Ted Conference, which is where all the great thinkers of the world take turns saying smart stuff (it was previously known as an "AfterElton.com Conference Call"), then Rosie will arrange a face-to-face meeting for Kathy with ... Cher.

I think we just found the focus of the season finale.

You can find out what happens when Kathy officiates a wedding after the break!

The third episode of the fourth season of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List premiered on Bravo last night, and because it promised so much gay content, we decided to haul out the rarely used Gay-O-Meter to scientifically assess the gayness.

We start with Kathy and Team Griffin (Tom, Jessica, and Tiffany) discussing their upcoming flight to Australia. Not just any flight, BTW, but the all gay Pink Flight, where Kathy is scheduled to perform ... over the P.A. system. The fact that there will be drag queens on the flight doesn't sit well with Jessica, who has an irrational fear of them: "They're big and tall and clown-like, and I'm afraid they're going to touch me when I'm sleeping".

As soon as I heard that, one word sprang to mind - Maury. This would make a perfect topic for one of his "phobia" shows (which are even more entertaining then the constant baby-daddy shows). Some poor woman would come on his show to talk about her all consuming fear of cheese, only to be tormented on stage by a Maury staffer wielding a tray of Kraft Slices, and if she made the mistake of running backstage ... a guy dressed up as a cheese wheel.

Tom (who has quickly become my favorite Griffin team member), chimes in with this loveable schlub classic:

Tom: "Can I hope that someone touches me when I'm sleeping?

Kathy: "Tom, how many times do I have to tell you, you're not hot enough for them!

Tom: "....But I've been working out."

Kathy: (exasperated) "Meeting adjourned"

Before the Pink Flight takes off, there's a party at the terminal, which involves the entire crew, including the pilots. All of them are wearing feather boas and go-go dancing (don't tell, but that's how Air Force One prepares, too). Once the flight starts, Team Griffin passes out the official My Life on the D-List Condom to all the passengers, and Kathy prepares for her first stand-up gig aboard an airplane (or as she calls it "Chaos at 30,000 feet").

Kathy takes tickets at the gate. No, seriously.

Unfortunately, the logistics of using an airplane P.A. phone to perform stand-up leave a lot to be desired, so Kathy decides to entertain the passengers the old fashioned way - by sitting on laps, performing certain faux sex acts on cute sleeping passengers. The next morning she flings breakfast foods around the cabin with a surly attitude just like a real flight attendant.

Before the Pink Flight ends, the passengers hold a "bare chest" contest, and Kathy proves again why she's a gay's best friend by whipping off her shirt and joining in. After fourteen hours, the Pink Flight finally ends, and I have to admit to being a bit disappointed that Kathy went all that way without making a single "cockpit" joke.

Find out what happened in Australia, and if the Gay-O-Meter explodes, after the break!

Everybody run! The gay-adjacent comedy queen's got a gun!

But we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. The second episode of the fourth season of Kathy Griffin - My Life On The D-List opens with Kathy in a quandary. She has to find some way to push her concert merchandise line, specifically the "everybody can suck it" t-shirts (apparently, they're not work and church friendly). She makes a deal with "Team Griffin" (her assistants Jessica and Tiffany, and her tour manager Tom) that if they meet a certain quota of t-shirts sold, they'll get a "bonus".

Kathy's original "bonus" offer is nixed by the staff (let's just say it would fit in nicely with the t-shirt theme), and it's decided that the team will get new Blackberries if they meet the quota. Since Kathy is always looking for novel ways to push her wares, she decides to give concerts in the home towns of Tiffany and Tom (and maybe unload a butt-load of merch).

Before leaving on that road trip, though, she makes a spectacularly D-list appearance on Tom Green's talk show. Yes, the Tom Green who was married to Drew Barrymore for five minutes and starred in the Razzie favorite Freddy Got Fingered. He has his own talk show ... on the Internet ... which he films from his home (what's next, Pauly Shore filming a sitcom from his mother's garage?).

While Kathy is being interviewed by Tom, rapper Coolio shows up for some reason to talk about his own reality show, which will be premiering on the Oxygen channel. Correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't Oxygen an even more estrogen-fueled version of Lifetime? Every time I happen to glance at Oxygen, they're either showing a Tori & Dean marathon, or they're airing some show about women who snap and put the beat down on men who refused to take out the garbage. So I guess a show about the guy who did "Gangsta's Paradise" is a no-brainer, right?

While talking with Coolio, Kathy has an epiphany, and comes to the conclusion that since Coolio can be a reality show star and a Grammy winner, why can't she? She immediately sets a plan in motion to make a CD and win a Grammy, and they decide to record it during a concert in her manager Tom's hometown of St. Louis.

The St. Louis trip has its up and downs for Kathy. She's a little perturbed that the Mayor has named it Tom Vize day, and at every talk show she and Tom go on to plug the concert, she's almost completely ignored. She gets her revenge later, though, when Team Griffin go to a local park with Tom's police officer brother Bob and play "cops & robbers" with Tom as the crook. Kathy, Jessica, and Tiffany put the beat down on Tom like he had forgotten to take out the garbage, and then they all visit a local gun range, where Kathy is horrified to discover Tom's affinity for shooting paper targets with her face superimposed on them.

After the break, Kathy meets some actual gays!