Cloris Leachman and Cor-- Whaaa? WTF are Jeff Lewis and Ana Faris doing here?!

Okay, let me be straight with you (wah-waaaah): Were it not for this job, there is no way in hell that I would be watching Dancing With the Stars. I'm sorry, but in my book has-beens and also-rans belong behind foamcore panels with cocktails trying to match missing words with pretty dental hygienists from Santa Barbara with Charles Nelson Reilly, not hoofing it up in primetime.

But in the past few weeks I've come to understand something. And that is that I owe Dancing With the Stars an apology for not believing in it. Because this truly is the most batsh*t insane television show to ever crack the top ten ... and I love it.

Going into last night's elimination round, Lance and Lacey were in the bottom two (in terms of judges' scores) with resident rabid granny Cloris Leachman. Were viewer votes enough to spare Team Gay from the humiliating Final Dance for another week?

Click on through if you want to know...

Seriously, who's killing the great dancers of ABC? Or getting all Nomi Malone on the competition? It's being reported that the frighteningly sturdy Misty May-Treanor has been forced to drop out of the competition due to a "popped" Achilles heel. (Um ... eeew.)

And it seems that pixiesh pro Derek Hough (who partners with Brooke Burke, another statuesque brunette favored to win the season) blacked out after slamming his precociously large head into the floor or something.

I'm sorry, but there are sinister forces at work here. Is it like the Poltergeist curse, where the malevolent spirit of a felled backup singer is picking off the production one by one? Or is someone flesh and blood working behind the scenes to sabotage the contest, Tonya Harding-style? My money's on Leachman ... she's got shifty eyes!

Whatever's going on, our golden boy Lance had better watch his gay backside. I know we will!

 
Noah's Arc's Christian Vincent was among the men of Macy's Stars of Dance

Last night was Results Night on Dancing With The Stars, and it ran about 41 minutes out of its 44 too many.

As always, there was a lot of filler and contrived suspense, as viewers had to wait until the very end of the episode to find out who was eliminated. The 11 competing couples began next to each other on stage and were slowly whittled down. Fans of couple Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer were kept waiting in anticipation until the very end, as they were not revealed as safe until there were just four pairs left.

On Monday night the two took “fantastic risks” with their routine and were “thrilling to watch”, but were inarguably “untraditional” in style. Ultimately, though, their 7th place score of 20 from the Judges, combined with viewers’ votes from home, kept them in the competition.

While we were waiting to find out the results, the hour was at least filled with a number of (debatably) entertaining performances: Carmit Bachar (a former member of the Pussycat Dolls) and Jenna Dewan (of Step Up) danced with others in a Macy’s Stars of Dance routine, choreographed by Brian Friedman, and Jessica Simpson sang … twice.

Also, out of the 11 dance routines presented this week, the Judges chose to see NFL star Warren Sapp and partner Kym Johnson’s Paso Doble again, because, in Len Goodman’s words, it was full of “drama, artistry and entertainment”. Warren was tied for the top spot in Judge scores this week with Brooke Burke, who has been told she was “born to dance”. These two couples are seemingly Judge and fan favorites and will most likely be major competition for Lance in the weeks to come.

David Charvet
 

I’m glad they’ll be sticking around though, mostly so I’ll get to keep seeing David Charvet in the audience cheering on Brooke (it’d be even greater if he were shirtless and jogging on a beach, however).There was also a short piece on how Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli travel back and forth between Dancing With The Stars (shot in L.A.) and Strictly Come Dancing in London, England. In reference to the amount of time the two spend together, Len considers he and Bruno as “a great couple”… perhaps a bromance is on our hands this season (although I’d rather it be between Cody and Derek, no?).

They even did a segment on the Red Room backstage and how it is so “full of energy”. Apparently everything happens back there; the room “runs the gamut of emotions”. OK, let’s take a step back, folks: you’re on a celebrity reality show about dancing. I’m pretty sure the folks right now on Wall Street or in Washington can talk with  more authority about "the gamut of emotions" than you.

Let’s move onto the results...

So, let me get this straight … He kissed a girl and he liked it?

Wait, what?

During last week’s three-night premiere event of Dancing With The Stars, Lance Bass’s ‘very-public sexual orientation’ was referenced on a few occasions. Nothing too explicit: a quick gag about his gay androgynous fan on the street, and a joke made by partner Lacey Schwimmer about now not being able to marry her boyband crush.

Last night however, the pink gay elephant in the ballroom pretty much came out.Or did it?

In their third dance so far this season, Lance and Lacey danced the Paso Doble to the hit song “I Kissed a Girl” in a very modern and unique way. The judges seemed to enjoy the energy of the performance, but were disappointed in the dance’s loss of authenticity and tradition. Apparently the Paso Doble is a dance style full of rules and regulations; and according to Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno, the couple broke them.

One of the things that may have stood out in the judges minds as (how should I say this…) too flashy? Perhaps it was the hardcore P.D.A. the pair engaged in at the end of the routine.

Yeah, Lance and Lacey basically made out:

I’m not sure if you all know this, but Lance is gay. (Has that been mentioned?) So his actually kissing a girl, well, it got some laughs. Again, there were subtle nods made at Lance’s orientation, but his gayness was never explicitly mentioned out loud. It was just the clever butt-end of the joke (excuse the unintentional pun).

So far we have heard all about Susan’s balancing act of both rehearsals and filming All My Children, as well as Brooke’s challenge of dancing while raising a family. However, Lance has yet to have any real video segments that explore his personal life (well, that’s if you don’t include his quasi-relationship he’s having with Lacey … is it just me or does it almost seem like they’re dating?).

Yes, Katy Perry’s single has been all over the pop charts for months now and it’s not a surprise her song was selected for a dance on the show … but is it a coincidence the song went to Lance? From what I can see, they’re referring to his sexual orientation, while ironically ignoring at the same time.

The results show will air tonight, Tuesday September 30th, on ABC. Predictions: Cloris or Kim go home (clearly).

Ted McGinley gets some bad news

***SPOILER ALERT***

It was elimination night on Dancing With The Stars yesterday and Ted McGinley and partner Inna Brayer were asked to leave the tribal council area immediately.  After dancing two routines already this week as part of the show’s three-night live premiere event, the couple was voted off after receiving the lowest overall score.  I guess Ted won’t be dancing for “all the men of America” any longer… shame.

The episode began with a group performance from the dancing pros to “Under Pressure” and went on to feature musical performances by Jesse McCartney and the Jones Brothers (I may have never heard as many pre-pubescent screams in my life as I did last night). 

Jesse McCartney

One of the episode’s highlights was Lance commenting on his time thus far in the competition, saying he’s never before “worn as many rhinestones” or “sweat as much” in his life (…no comments on the latter).

Adam Carolla, of last season’s DWTS, came back to do a short, comedic interview segment with random passersby and fans of the show on the street.  Mostly, Adam joked about jealousy over contestant Cody Linley being paired with his former dancing partner Julianne Hough.  The comedian also made some (arguably offensive) insinuations about the “androgynous man on the street” he spoke to, only being a fan of Lance’s because they were both… “former members of a boy band” (an intentionally transparent nod to Lance’s gayness).

Adam Carolla interviews "weird androgynous man on the street"

Adam’s comment comes after a couple of others on DWTS this week that have casually mentioned Lance’s very-public sexual orientation.  For example, Lance’s partner Lacey made a remark about wanting to marry the boybander while he was in N’Sync, but that she knows now it “won’t happen anymore”. 

Last night’s episode of Dancing With The Stars was part two of this season’s three-night live premiere event.  (Seriously though, who knew this show would make it to its seventh season, and with enough steam to take up five of ABC’s weekly fifteen primetime hours no less?).   

Again last night, this year’s crop of B- (and C-) Listers continued to provide some notable highlights: comedian Jeffrey’s sequined eye patch fad, actor Cody Linley’s jokes about his manliness and masculinity, dancer Mark’s frontless red sparkly shirt (an upgrade from his pink tux from the night prior) and Len’s obsession with Cloris Leachman’s “coconuts”.  That’s not to mention Lance Bass’ funny (and sort of awkward) slip of the tongue about “peeing on a dog”.   

Cloris shakes her coconuts

Last night he and Lacey Schwimmer (of So You Think You Can Dance fame) were the first couple to get through the round of voting and successfully make it to the second leg of the competition.  It was no real surprise though, as the duo dominated the top of the contest on Monday.  The only real criticisms had come from Judge Len Goodman, who called Lance and Lacey’s first performance “young and modern”, but proclaiming that he was “old and traditional”.  Well this second time around they still failed to really impress Len with their dance, who gave them merely a score of 6.  At this rate, it seems the generational gap might be an obstacle in the couple’s way throughout the season.  

Lance & Lacey's quick step

Bruno on the other hand continued to be nothing but supportive, randomly shouting positive adjectives like “dynamic” in the pair’s direction.  Host Tom Bergeron, fresh off of his non-Emmy win (…zing?), even liked the performance, saying he had wished it would “last longer”.  (Don’t worry Tom, I think there’s a pill for that).  Overall Lance and Lacey received a score of 21 from the Judges, but will still need votes from the American audience to stay in the competition… although I don’t really see that being an issue just yet.     

I actually watched Dancing With the Stars for the first time in seven seasons last night (see what happens when you cast a gay, big guys?) and was not disappointed. First, Lance Bass (the first openly gay competitor on the show ever, which is ridiculous in and of itself) and newbie partner Lacey Schwimmer won over the crowd and the judges with their youthful cha-cha and playful banter (I loved when Lacey commented that she had been hoping that Lance would marry her, but "that's not going to happen anymore").

But let's be honest, if we were to award a Glitter Ball (or whatever the heck they call the prize) right now, it would go to Cloris Leachman for her gloriously unhinged challenge to the format of live television. She sat on the judges' laps, she came back out onstage after she was ushered off, she basically called the entire production a bunch of idiots for not being able to add three single integers on their own, and pretty much had to be cut away from before she started ranting about God-knows-what.

In short, she's the best television imaginable.

My other personal moment was when Carrie Ann Inaba told Susan Lucci to eat a hamburger and Lucci responded by shooting her with laser-eyes left over from Invitation to Hell. No more Steaming Springs for you, Carrie Ann!

After the jump, place a vote in our poll as to who will take the prize, and share your own favorite moments! And it's not too late to vote for Lance to survive tonight's elimination! (Poll open to noon EDT.)

Lance Bass and partner Lacey Schwimmer get ready for battle 

AfterElton.com: What led you to chose Lance as one of your contestants this year?
Conrad Green: Well basically with Joey Fatone being on the show, obviously they are great friends. And Joey was great on the show and I think in the process of Joey being on the show, Lance talked to him and was excited abut the idea and we talked about it and said, you know what, it’s always great having these guys on the show; they’re professionals, but they’re still coming from outside. And I think he’s going to be a really strong contestant on the show. He’s a really sweet guy.

AE: Do you think it’s noteworthy that Lance is the first out contestant?
CG: Is it noteworthy? Well, I suppose so, yeah. Any change culturally, any penetration like that is news. But there are so many openly gay people on TV now, I don’t think it’s causing a huge stir particularly. It wasn’t really a consideration of mine, to be honest.

AE: We did talk to you once before and when we asked you about having a gay couple as participants, you said you were open to that. Lance is matched up with a female contestant at this point. Did you ever consider matching him up with another male? Was that every an option?
CG: Not really. Obviously it’s an idea and we’ve discussed that kind of thing, but there’s a history of ballroom dance of male/female partnerships and this show does approximate a ballroom dancing competition, you know in all the proper dances that are there, and they’re judged in a proper way and all that kind of stuff. And so because of that I thought it would probably just look like a stunt if we put him with a guy as a partner, really, and I didn’t think it would have been in his interest particularly, or the show’s. There are lots of gay professional ballroom dancers and they’re always partnered with people of the opposite sex. There are lots of male, gay ballroom dancers who compete and they always dance with women.

AE: You do know there are competitions set up for same-sex couples.
CG: Yes, I know ... but I’m talking when you’re competition-level, as our dancers are on the show, world champions and stuff, they’re always partnered with opposite sexes and so we thought it would probably be more routine for the show to follow that principle.

 
Lance and Lacey

Yesterday ABC announced the rather intriguing cast for the new season Dancing With the Stars, which of course includes Lance Bass (the first openly gay contestant ever) as well as gay-faves like Susan Lucci, Cloris Leachman, Rocco DiSpirito, and Toni Braxton. (And no, sorry, you will not see me mentioning or featuring pics of a certain sex-tape-performer-turned-reality-show-vacuum when discussing the show.)

From the looks of these rehearsal pics, everyone's having a great time so far, particularly Lance and his partner, So You Think You Can Dance vet Lacey Schwimmer.

"Is this where I put them? Seriously, not getting it."

Tons more pics after the jump!