The second season of Bravo's reality competition Shear Genius started last night, and I should start with a confession: I'm a Shear Genius virgin. I didn't seen any of the first season, because frankly, I've never been that interested in hairstyling (although they do sort of vaguely remember me every time I walk into Supercuts). But I figured that if I could recap an entire season of Step it Up & Dance while personally owning two left feet, then I could give this a shot.

The first thing I noticed while watching was how much it follows the Step It Up formula. The stylists are given a "shortcut" challenge to start, then an elimination challenge at the end, with someone getting immunity for the next week's show, and someone "getting cut" (this show LOVES "cut" puns). Because it follows the Step It Up formula so rigidly, the only thing I could think of was "I wonder which contestant is going to turn out to be this show's Miguel?"

As I watched, a horrifying realization occurred ... most of them are Miguel.

After we meet the twelve contestants (three of whom are openly gay men), host Jaclyn Smith (who of course is best known for her iconic role in Charlie's Angels, but will always hold a special place in my heart for starring in the 1984 TV movie The Night They Saved Christmas, in which Santa's North Pole village is attacked by an oil company that wants the crude under his workshop), introduces the permanent guest judge, "master colorist" Kim Vo.

The shortcut challenge involves cutting hair while blindfolded, which could have caused serious injury (not to mention serious lawsuits), and the one thing that kept running through my mind through the segment was "I wonder how much the people getting these blind haircuts got paid?"

After that challenge, we get to the main event, which is about crafting a modern hairstyle based on a classic cartoon character. The choices are Betty Boop, Wilma Flintstone, Marge Simpson, Lucy Van Pelt, Judy Jetson, and best of all, Jem!. Unfortunately, the truly outrageous 80's star was snapped up by two of the female stylists, so we'll never know what the gay guys could have done with it.

It's during the two challenges that we get the "Miguel" moments, mostly from a contestant named Oshun (which is pronounced "ocean"):

"What makes me unique is Oshun got the potion for the motion when I touch your hair, and I do the flair, cause I'm Oshun ... and I'm deep."

"I'm going to let my imagination just run wild, and I'm going to let my hand just move through the hair like Oshun ... cause I'm deep"

"The best always finish last ... but then I'm going to be first"

Okay, what the hell does that last one even mean?

After the break, meet our three gay stylists, and find out who was "cut"...