The 2009 Tony Awards Couldn't be Any Gayer if Liza was Named Mayor

The 63rd Annual Tony Awards aired on CBS last night, kicking off with Sir Elton John, technical glitches, Liza at her Liza-ist, tons of hot musical theater guys, hair (beautiful hair), Dolly Parton, a gaggle of flying Billy Elliots, and what may be the single greatest television moment ever filmed ... Poison lead skank Bret Michaels being cold cocked by a giant "Broadway" sign.

Oh, and all this happens in the first ten minutes!

We Are The World just isn't the same without Dan Aykroyd (All Pics: Getty)

Watching the Tony Awards is always bittersweet for me. As much as I love seeing the best of Broadway on TV every year, it brings me closer to the realization that I'll probably never see any of these shows in person. The dream of moving to New York and becoming a theater groupie dies a little each time my knees crack when I stand up or when I tell those damn kids to get off my lawn.

It's a shame, too, since I already had the title for my Broadway groupie memoirs picked out: Snicks and the City (perfect, don't you think? And totally original.)

But I'm thankful I can at least see the highlights every year, and the 2009 Tony Awards started off with the most expensive, not to mention elaborate opening number they've ever attempted.

Elton John performing "Chair and Chair Alike"

It started off with Elton performing a song from Billy Elliot which had something to do with electricity and being "free", and had boys flipping across the stage and flying through the air (but unfortunately not dressed like ninjas).

Elton's mic went out a few times, but that was nothing compared to the gangs from West Side Story, who came out and whispered threats at each other until the sound was finally turned up.

Little did Bret Michaels know that Broadway doesn't suffer gladly those who lip-synch (or stuff their pants with bratwurst)

Next up was a Bret Michaels look-a-like (just let that sink in for a moment), who introduced a number from Rock of Ages featuring the "real" Bret Michaels (just let that sink in for a moment).

Bret and the rest of Poison "performed" Nothin' But a Good Time, and it was flawless ... because it was fake. Bret gave what may be the worst lip-synch attempt ever seen (at one point you could see him coughing as the words still magically emanated from the microphone).