My Yard Went Disney (and All I Got was This Lousy Tinkerbell Pagoda)

First, I'm totally addicted to HGTV. Which is ironic, since I'm way too busy to do anything in the way of interior design, and my partner and I purchased our own dream home in 2009.

I think HGTV is a little like porn: sometimes — not always, but sometimes — watching is even better than doing. In any event, it's a hell of a lot easier. (That's not a bad idea for a genre name for all those shows: home design porn. 'Cause that's basically what they are.)

Anyway, when the promos for My Yard Goes Disney started popping on HGTV, my eyes started popping out of my head.

"Oh, my God, that looks like so much fun!" I said to my partner, but his eyes were rolling, not popping. Not every gay boy is as interested in Disney-kitsch as some of us.

As loathe as I am to admit this, my partner was right. Having now watched a few episodes, I can see that the show is pretty much a complete dud — not to mention the most blatant example of product placement since that show about the GEICO cavemen.

But how, I wonder, can a show that sounds so fantastic on paper (or "in promo"?) come across as so boring on-screen?

First, a disclosure. These make-over shows that are about nothing but the make-over — no competition, no larger-than-life personality-host, no dramatic eliminations. I can find them interesting, but only if I fast-forward through the 15 minutes of them picking paint colors and doing the actual construction in order to get to the "money shot" of the final reveal.

Just out of curiosity, does anyone not do that?

Have fun! I'll be back in 15 minutes. Why? Well, for one thing, because no one's taking off their shirts.

My Yard Goes Disney is even more boring than most. Here's my theory why: Disney is all about being larger-than-life. It's about towering castles and mountains with cleverly forced perspectives, and amazingly efficient crowd control, and cheeky princesses with demeanors that appeal to both little kids and horny dads.

But a backyard, by its very definition, is small.

Way too small for Disney and their much-heralded "imagineers."

Seriously, does this particularly impress you?

Gee, I'm soooo frickin' impressed.

Now how is this different from all of HGTV's other reality-construction shows where they, like, completely redo a bathroom on a budget of $1000? It's not like we end up with the Taj Mahal of toilets.

The difference is what I'm expecting, and what I'm comparing it to. When I look at the work of David Bromstad or Ali Azhar or Genevieve Gorder, I'm impressed because I'm comparing it to anything I could do — and it's tons better!

But when I look at the work of the Disney "imagineers," I'm comparing it to the work I know they can do — work that they've already done in the Disney theme parks that they're mostly paying homage to in these "Disney" back yards

And boy, are they not measuring up.

Take a look at these two "sorcerer's hats," one the park icon at MGM Studios at Disneyworld, Florida, then other in, well, someone's backyard:

Um, yeah. I rest my case.

My Yard Goes Disney? Nice idea — and if I were one of the kids or families featured on the show, I'd probably go nuts (and if I were one of the neighbors, I'd go insane).

But as home design porn, it sadly just doesn't work.

My Yard Goes Disney airs Monday nights on HGTV at 8 PM