10 Spells Albus Dumbledore Would Use on "Big Brother"'s Jeff Schroeder

Jeff Schroeder, of CBS' Big Brother “fame,” proved two years ago that he is a/n homophobe/all-around idiot. And just in case we’d forgotten, he’s back this season to remind us. On Monday night’s episode, he went on a tirade about J.K. Rowling’s reveal that Albus Dumbledore is gay, telling one of his housemates that it’s “perverted” to “have the headmaster that you’re locked away in a magical land with be gay.” 

My immediate reaction was all Rubeus Hargrid: “NEVER INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME.” But Schroeder’s rant was more than just insulting; it was downright harmful. AfterElton.com has criticized the show in the past and even asked Big Brother executive producer Alison Grodner about why bigotry like Schroeder's never seemed to make it from the livefeed to the actual show, instead letting Schroeder come off as a likeable lug. The networks' answers have never been satisfying, and that was the case again this week when CBS issued a statement to GLAAD saying they don't condone Schroeder's bigotry, while overlooking the fact that they keep putting him on their programming.

Everyone’s favorite magical headmaster was always reluctant to come to his own defense, and clearly CBS isn't going to do squat, but the insinuation that he would, in any way, harm a child would have sent him over the edge. In fact, I think he might have used a spell or two to teach Schroeder a lesson.

Slugulus Eructo! — Sometimes it’s hard to see the physical ramifications of word vomit, so maybe a little reminder in the form of vomiting slugs every time he takes a breath would be just the thing.

The Bat Bogey Hex — Probably not effective to cure Schroeder’s homophobia, but I’ve got to think Dumbledore would take great pleasure in seeing him get attacked by his own boogers on television. 

The Disillusionment Charm — For a reality TV whore, is there any fate worse than being made invisible?

Peskipiksi Pesternomi! — It’s a fake spell, of course; nonsense words muttered by Gilderoy Lockhart, but Dumbledore would get a kick out of watching Schroeder freak out over a placebo charm. 

Scourgify! — Sometimes nothing teaches you a lesson like having your mouth washed out with soap.

Expecto Patronum! — Cold, rattling breath? Cheer quencher? Soul sucker? Yep, sounds to us like Schroeder might be a Dementor. Dumbledore's Patronus will surely drive him away.

Finite Incantatem! — It is the spell that negates the effects of another spell — and who knows? Maybe Schroeder is under Michele Bachmann's Jelly-Brain Jinx.

Langlock! — We have Severus Snape to thank for this one; he made up the charm when he was a student at Hogwarts. It causes the victim’s tongue to get glued to the roof of his mouth. Another one Dumbledore might use on Schroeder just for giggles.

Shutificus Pieholo! — We never learned about this one in the books, but you know Dumbledore is up to the task of creating his own spells. Shutificus Pieholo! would be the Shut Your Mouth Forever spell.

The Banishing Charm — It’s the opposite of Accio, and used by a wizard as powerful as Dumbledore, Schroeder would probably end up in a galaxy far, far away. Fine by us!

Of course, if Dumbledore is too busy saving the world to mess with Schroeder, he could always unleash Hermione Granger on him. Dealing with "foul, loathsome, evil little cockroaches" is kind of her specialty. 

Too bad this post is about as much retribution as Schroeder is likely to face.