"Doctor Who" Recap: The Big Gay Kiss That Almost Was

Doctor Who is nothing if not a buffet of timey-wimey surprises, but frankly, I am shocked that Steven Moffat has only given himself 45 minutes to wrap up the arc he laid out at the beginning of this season with "The Impossible Astronaut" and "Day of the Moon."

Handing over the penultimate episode to Gareth Roberts, even as a sequel to last season's beloved "The Lodger," was an interesting storytelling choice. The Doctor is on a self-proclaimed "farwell tour" — apparently several earth years and perhaps several hundred Doctor years after he dropped off the Ponds last week — and for all the planets and universes and people he's saved in his long, long lifetime, you'd expect his goodbye episode to be a little more, well, epic. But no, the Doctor decides to spend his second-to-last day on earth visiting his old mate Craig (played to perfection, once again, by James Corden). He means only to pop 'round to say hello, but of course the earth is under attack by The Cybermen, and of course that leads to him taking a job in the toy section of a department store so he can rescue the planet one last time.

Matt Smith continues to prove that he is a god among men, seasoning his frenetic, heroic shenanigans with the quiet, still despondency of knowing his life is coming to an end. My personal favorite moment of the episode — and, in fact, one of my favorite moments of this season — was his chat with baby Alfie (Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All), in which he shows him the glory of a universe full of stars while marveling at the endless possibility of a brand new life. I love it when the Doctor uses his Sonic Screwdriver for superfluous coddling.

When Doctor Who aims for sentimental, it doesn't pull any punches, and "Closing Time" was world-class pathos. In the end, it wasn't the Doctor's skill or wit or charm that saved the day; it was, quite simply, Craig's fatherly love. (The Cybermen should have had a little chat with Voldemort if they wanted to work out that particular kink.) Also high on the sentimentality meter was the Doctor spotting Amy and Rory in the department store where he was working. Amy has apparently become a billboard model for Petrichor perfume. (Nice "The Doctor's Wife" shout-out, no?) He thinks of running up to them and loving them out loud, but then he thinks better of it. Safety first and all that.

Then there was the reveal that Craig was the bearer of the beloved stetson (and that Craig's wife was the bearer of those TARDIS-blue envelopes the Doctor sent out in "The Impossible Astronaut"). And if you didn't tear up when the Doctor licked his finger and rubbed some dirt off of the TARDIS and said, "Well, then, old girl. One last trip, eh?" I don't think I want to know you.

We'll get to the end at the end, but let's talk about the gay theme running through this episode. Actually, let's talk about the gay theme running through this entire season. The first two episodes (and presumably next week's episode) featured gay FBI badass Canton Deleware III. "A Good Man Goes to War" featured the married gay soldiers, and the implied lezzer relationship between Madam Vastra and Jenny. And "Closing Time" almost fulfilled my last-week-wish of giving the doctor a gay companion.

It starts with an almost-kiss:

Doctor: Just keep looking at me, Craig. Right at me. Just keep looking.
Craig: Why?
Doctor: Well, because, because ... because I love you.
Craig: You love me?
Doctor: Yes, Craig. It's you. It's always been you.
Craig: Me?
Doctor: Is that so surprising?
Craig: Doctor, are you gonna kiss me?
Doctor: Yes, Craig. Yes, I am. Would you like that? Bit out of practice, but I've had some wonderful feedback. [Doctor leans in to kiss Craig.]
Craig: Doctor, no! I-I can't! I'm taken

The Doctor is only keeping Craig close to keep him safe, which Craig realizes when he turns around and sees a Cyberman rushing at them. But I love that his reaction wasn't gay panic. In fact, the reason he couldn't kiss the Doctor — an idea which really seemed to flatter him, honestly — was because he is married.

The gag continues when a shop clerk mistakes the Doctor and Craig for married. There's little wink at the audience about whether or not the word "companion" is too antiquated, but even after the Doctor realizes the clerk thinks they're Stormageddon's two daddies, he just rolls with it. The clerk is absolutely smitten with the idea of the Doctor and Craig as a couple. It's kind of adorable. "Partners," she says. "Yeah, partners; let's go with that," he says.

And onto the end: River Song — RIVER! HI, RIVER! — is just sitting around in her graduation duds, reading through her TARDIS journal when frikkin' Madame Kovarian pops out of the shadows with The Silence to reclaim Melody Pond. I do realize that my raging homosexuality might be a factor in this next thing I am about to say, but Alex Kingston is the sexiest thing in the history of the space-time continuum. Her portrayal of River, which I am sad to say I think will end next week, has been one of the most fascinating character arcs in this show's long history. Even last night, she brought it with the excitement of meeting someone who knows the Doctor, the befuddlement of seeing/forgetting The Silence, and the sheer terror of realizing she's been programmed to kill the man she loves.

I think River was the only one who was surprised to find River in that Impossible Astronaut suit under the water of Lake Silencio, but boy, she sold it.

I have at least three dozen wild theories about how everything will end next week, theories that are getting more and more insane as more promo photos find their way to the Internet, but for all my clowning on my own omnipotence, I never get these things right. I'll tell you one thing, though: I can hardly bear the wait.

What did you think of "Closing Time"? Let's hear your wildest theory about next week's finale. And make them good; after next week, the Doctor isn't going to be back on our TV's for a long time.