Recap Attack: The Adventure Begins! With “Gossip Girl”

Hi there! You may know me from such recaps as Torchwood, Top Chef, and True Blood.

But did you know there’s a lot more on TV? There’s good TV (AKA anything on HBO) … and bad TV (AKA anything on CBS) … and my personal favorite, good-bad TV (anything on Bravo). In other words, there are vast stretches of the TV landscape that have yet to be trespassed (violated?) here at AfterElton.com.

Of course, it would be impossible to recap everything … But I’m going to try.

Here’s the deal: every week or so, I’ll recap a totally different TV show. Don’t worry if it’s a show you’ve never seen before. Chances are I won’t have either, so I’ll be recapping it completely from a newbie’s perspective.

And don’t worry if it’s a show with explicit gay content or not. I’ll make sure to view it through rainbow-colored glasses, highlighting any undercurrents of homoeroticism or sensitivity to gay issues. Plus I’ll point out the hot guys. Always the hot guys.

I’m hoping this might open up discussion of shows we don’t often get to around here. And that’s where the fun part comes in. And by fun, I mean sadomasochistic. At the end of each column, you’ll find a poll where you can vote on which show I recap next. Which means I’ll be completely at your mercy.

But to kick things off, Michael Jensen decided he’d get to torture me first. So the very first show I’m recapping, at his command, is …

Gossip Girl!

Okay, this one is easy because it’s a show I actually used to watch. I appreciated its trash factor. It felt like watching Dynasty re-enacted by children, like a soap opera version of Bugsy Malone (which, if you haven’t seen it, you should – it’s awesomely bizarre, and you’ll never look at Jodie Foster or pie in the same way again).

But then, like all high school shows forced to graduate, it lost its purpose, and I lost interest. So I’m curious to see what’s going on with it these days.

If you’ve never seen the show, here’s all you need to know … It’s about a bunch of filthy rich, spoiled Manhattan kids and a few slightly less rich but equally spoiled Brooklynites. The girls are all jaw-droppingly coutured mean girls. And the boys are all pretty in that non-threatening Zac-Justin Efron-Bieber sort of way. Everybody hooks up with everybody else -- and then breaks up for reasons that never make sense. And every episode ends with a sailing regatta, museum gala, or masked ball.

Oh, and of primary relevance to us, there’s a gay who walks among them! His name is Eric, and he’s basically a friendly ghost; meaning he’s largely invisible unless he’s hovering behind the main characters’ backs moaning, “I disaprooooooove!”

Eric has had the occasional boyfriend with whom he’s harmlessly flirted. But compared to the other characters, he hasn’t seen nearly the same kind of hot and heavy bedroom action. Which is ironic given that his last name – “Van Der Woodsen” – is right out of a porno movie.

Also important to note: Eric’s hair functions as a sort of terror alert level of gayness. When it’s blonde and poofy, he’s basically asexual. But dark and flat and he morphs into a catty, trash-talking boy magnet. And this week, it’s looking especially Clark Kent-esque, so I think we might be in for just such a gay old time.