"Dancing With the Stars" (Or Rather, the "Vaguely Familar" Celebrities) Premiere Snapcap

Chaz Bono with dancing partner Lacey Schwimmer

In defense of the 13th season of Dancing with the Stars, I will admit that I actually recognize over half the people on the list of "celebrity" dancers (although that is a somewhat dubious honor for Ron Artest, who I only know for trying to punch a fan). The season has an interesting array of people, from former reality stars like Kristin Cavallari and Carson Kressley, to athletes like Artest and Hope Solo, and, of course, Chaz Bono who has been the target of some truly hateful vitriol.

Of course, it wouldn't be Dancing with the Stars if they didn't have a couple of completely inexplicable choices. This season that honor goes to Elisabetta Canalis, a pseudo star who showed us that "dated George Clooney" in no way equals "entertaining to watch on TV" and Nancy Grace, whose presence causes me to ponder whether I would rather stab out my own eyes so I no longer have to see her overly-Botoxed sneer or stab out my own ears so I don't have to hear her strident shrieks.

Other than that, it turned out to be a fairly entertaining premiere, with a couple of pleasant surprises and even a couple of touching moments. Let's check out the AfterElton.com SnapCap scale.

BEEFCAKE: Maksim Chmerkovskiy has a brother? How did I not know this? While this season doesn't have any obvious Gilles Marini-like dreamboats, this show is far from lacking when it comes to hot men to ogle. David Arquette and J.R. Martinez both looked quite dashing in their tuxedos, while Carson Kressley managed to glam the floor up with a ridiculous amount of sparkles.

Of course, the professional dancers are always nice to look at (case in point being the aforementioned Chmerkovskiy brothers), and I couldn't help but notice that the camera always seems to focus primarily on Derek Hough's butt (no complaints, he has a really nice butt). However, the one that caught my eye immediately was the newest professional dancer, Tristan MacManus. Not only is he completely gorgeous, he also has an adorable accent and I am a little bit in love with him.

JUDGING: I actually think that Dancing with the Stars has one of the best judging panels on TV. Len Goodman can be critical and tough, without going full Simon Cowell and making the contestants feel suicidal (plus he used the word malarkey, which is just funny), while Carrie Ann Inaba manages to walk the line of being encouraging while still being realistic and helpful, and Bruno Tonioli always makes me laugh (In this episode, it was when he commented about Ron Artest's "Length of bone" but that's just because I have the mentality of a 13-year-old boy).

However, while the judges are great, the same cannot be said about the hosting. Tom Bergeron is fine, but Brooke Burke has got to be the worst host in the history of television. Her fake smile is terrifying, she asks the same terrible questions to all the competitors, plus she doesn't seem to have worked out how to use the microphone properly and she looks like she hates everyone that she is talking to. It's disturbing.

AFTERELTON BAIT: This season has both the hilarious and highly entertaining Carson Kressley, who really paved the way for all future generations of fabulous reality show gays with his show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Of course, the contestant that has been getting the most attention is Chaz Bono, the transgender son of Sonny and Cher. Both did well enough in the dancing that they will hopefully be around for a while. While out professional dancer Louis van Amstel is not partnered with a contestant this season, he is supposed to be involved in the show in a different capacity and judge Bruno Tonioli is also openly gay.

PERFORMANCES: While the first couple weeks of this show are always a little rough, there were a couple of surprises. J.R. Martinez and Chyna Phillips stood out as the initial leaders, each earning a score of 22 (who knew soldiers could be so graceful?) Carson Kressley had what Carrie Ann said was her favorite dance of the night, with his incredibly entertaining Cha Cha Cha, plus he was really funny for the backstage cameras, voicing his regret that he had not been paired with the smoking hot Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Ron Artest and Elisabetta Canalis ended up being the two worst, with incredibly stiff performances, although Ron Artest didn't try to beat anyone up, so that should be acknowledged. The judges praised Hope Solo for the fact that she was able to keep her body in such close contact with Maks through the whole dance, which is kinda like being praised for your perseverance and fortitude because you were able to eat an entire container of ice cream in one sitting. The rest of the performers showed promise and it will be interesting to see which of them get better and which end up being stagnant.

Get a taste of the performances...

TRAINWRECK QUOTIENT: Oh, Kristin Cavallari, you know surprisingly little about being a successful reality show star. Don't introduce yourself as "not a bitch" (it makes people immediately assume that you are, in fact, a bitch) and don't try to garner sympathy votes by explaining that you are doing this lucrative reality competition to take your mind off of being dumped. That goes beyond being a "first-world problems" joke into a "completely out of touch with reality and the fact that 10% of the people voting for you are unemployed right now" joke, with the punch line being you getting eliminated.

And seriously, how many freaking Karadashians are there? I keep thinking that we have reached the end and the all of a sudden, another one pops out of the woodwork. For the most part though, the episode was trainwreck free, but fear not! As the contestants get more and more exhausted, there is sure to be a highly entertaining blow up to witness.

So what did you guys think? Will you be watching the results show or just Googling who got kicked off when Glee is over? Can anyone explain what demographic ABC is trying to cater to with performances by Harry Connick, Jr. and LMFAO in the same hour? Anyone want to make a bet about whether Ron Artest will punch someone if he gets kicked off?