"Revenge" SnapCap: This Dish Is Best Served ... With Lots Of Cheese

Yes, it actually begins with a "Confucious Say."

ABC was once famous for bringing great guilty pleasure soap operas to primetime TV. Back in the 80's, Dynasty reigned supreme with its wonderfully wretched excess. More recently, Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters carried the torch on Sunday nights.

But the soap bubble burst. Brothers & Sisters was canceled, and Desperate Housewives is now a dessicated corpse, reanimated briefly once a week with injections from the urine of an Argentinian hairy-legged vampire bat.

So the question is ... can Revenge bring back the heyday of the primetime soap?

It's too early to say ... but as Brent Hartinger pointed out in his review, "Revenge is definitely not 'smart.' But at least in the pilot, it's not quite campy or over-the-top enough to make it much of a guilty pleasure either." In other words, it needs to lather up or get out of the tub.

And it doesn't help that the show keeps reminding us how very looong it is.

It's probably not fair to judge a show strictly by its pilot, but let's do it anyway!

BEEFCAKE: Lots of hot guys on this show, from Nick Wechsler's scruffy, down-to-earth bartender (and of course he has a good heart, because on these shows, blue collar guys are never evil, plus he has a Labrador Retriever, which is straight from The Good Guy Indicator Handbook), to Henry Czerny 's salt-n-pepper daddy. Unfortunately, we only get a glimpse of Henry shirtless as he's keeling over, so the only real beefcake we get is when Connor Paolo comes out of the surf in clingy boxers.

Which will do just nicely.

HEART/DRAMA: It's hard to judge from the first episode. As Brent pointed out, there are so many flashbacks to flashbacks that it looks like they popped it into "random edit generator", or the editor had hiccups. But here's what we know so far about the characters.

Gabriel Mann, Ashley Madekwe, Nick Wechsler, Emily Van Camp, Josh Bowman,
Connor Paolo, Christa B. Allen, Madeleine Stowe, Henry Czerny

Nolan Ross (Gabriel Mann): Ultra-rich and spoiled gadfly. Figures out who Emily really is and wants in on the revenge action. Dresses like the Child Snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Ashley Davenport (Ashley Madekwe): I actually had to go back to the show to remember who the hell she was, that's what kind of impression she made. She's Emily's tour guide through the ins and outs of Hampton life.

Jack Porter (Nick Wechsler): He and Emily were friends as kids. At the beginning of the show, shots ring out, and Daniel collapses on the beach. After a few cutaway scenes, Jack is seen dragging Daniel's body off the sand, which means the chances that he actually shot Daniel are close to nil.

Emily Thorne (Emily VanCamp): The heroine of the show, she's back in town after a decade to get vengeance on the Hamptons scum who framed her father for ... some kind of crime that involved funneling money to terrorists ... and sent him to prison, where he died, and left her with an exquisite hand-crafted memento box filled with childhood pictures, her baby teeth, a lovely lanyard from prison craft day, and the key to a safe-deposit box containing money and the proof that he was set-up.

Oh, and the ticket stub from when they went to see Mulan. Okay, and about her name. She changed her name from Andrea Clarke to Emily Thorne? As in "thorn in your side." Isn't that a little precious? Why not Emily Albatross-Around-Your-Neck or Emily Painful-Paper-Cut?

Declan Porter (Connor Paolo): Jack's little brother, he don't care about your friggin' Hampton money, Yo! But he will bang some Hampton Honeys, homie! Seriously, I don't know what the hell Connor is going for here.

Charlotte Grayson (Christa Allen): Daniel's sister, she likes guys from the wrong side of the Hampton's electrified, razor wire fence, especially Declan.

Victoria Grayson (Madeleine Stowe): Daniel and Charlotte's mother, and Conrad's wife. You can tell she's a bitch because her name is Victoria. I have a feeling the last person who called her Vicky lived ... not long. She is the focus of Emily's hatred, and will no doubt have lots of fabulous outfits to wear. But she needs more shoulder pads.

Conrad Grayson (Henry Czerny): The family patriarch, he's schtupping his wife's best friend. When he has an attack of some kind while in a hotel, he's rushed to the hospital, where his wife discovers the secret. Victoria blackballs her friend out of the Hamptons, but we soon discover that this was all part of Emily's plan. Apparently Victoria's friend was part of framing Emily's dad, so Emily ... donned a black wig and maid's uniform, sneaked into Conrad's hotel room, poisoned his soup ... because she knew that his secret would be discovered by Victoria at the hospital, and she knew that Victoria would eliminate the friend from the picture. Works for me.

AFTERELTON BAIT: None yet, but they've promised us a gay character in a few episodes. He's described as a Talented Mr. Ripley type. Does this mean he'll take baths with Josh Bowman? We can only hope.

HUMOR: Well, there's Connor's accent, which seems to be Mark Wahlberg crossed with Fran Drescher. Oh, and then there's Emily's stint in juvie.

Goth, Interrupted.

PRODUCTION VALUES/ACTING: First Rate. Well, the production values are great. It's the Hamptons, so it's naturally gorgeous, as are the houses and clothes. It's well-made (except for the hiccuping editor), and it's Obvious ABC put a lot of money into it. As for the acting ... it's too early to tell. Madeleine is fantastic, and I like Nick and Henry. Emily VanCamp is okay in the pilot, if a bit dull. As Brent said, I'm not sure she has a "dark side" in her, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

So what did you think?