"American Horror Story" 1.02 Recap: "Is EVERYBODY Crazy?"

That's right, folks - I hope you haven't taken your daily potassium supplement yet because American Horror Story is back with more BANANAS. In the second episode of FX's aggressively kooky horror show the action was a bit more focused (instead of 10 storylines we only had about 7) but it was no less intense than the Certified Batsh*t premiere. Plus, this week they added a new ingredient to the mix: Axe murder!

Yes, Ep 2 decided to do a little redecorating by splashing buckets of blood on the wainscoted walls of the Harmon House. Grab your paint chips and let's see if we can match it!

As with the premiere, we begin with a flashback - this time to 1968. I'm already loving the idea that we could bounce around to any time period and see what the house was up to - the possibilities are endless, really. It's like If These Walls Could Talk, only with fewer abortions! (So far.)

"Age of Aquarius" and a Pat Nixon bumper sticker set the scene, and when we enter the house we see three sixties sex kittens discussing a Doors concert and blowjobs. They walk down the stairs in slow motion, and it occurs to me that cliched shots like this one might be the most insidious thing haunting this joint.

Turns out that this is a boarding house for nurses, and already my Foreshadowing Meter is clipping in the Richard Speck range. The three Jim Morrison fellatio enthusiasts throw a few barbs at their meeker nursing sisters ("Lezzies!") and head out, but not before banging on the window and flipping a bird for good measure. Nursing Sister Maria notes, "You can still get the clap with a diaphragm," which delights the Mrs. Poole-looking nurse smoking a cigarette to no end:

Cheerful. Helpful. Marked for death.

Sure enough, a stranger with jam on his forehead is at the door asking for help, and Nursing Sister Maria (who has just underlined "Actute pain" in her anatomy textbook) lets him in. He notices her crucifix necklace and asks if she thinks Jesus will save her, which is never a good sign. She notes that they've all been saved already, so she's not losing any sleep over it and oh, by the way, she can't find the source of his bleeding. Delighted, he bashes her on the head with an ashtray and barks "DON'T GET SMART!" at Mrs. Poole. Settle down, buddy - it's Laugh-In. Regardless, his Get Smart!-hating self gives Mrs. Poole a beatdown.

Maria comes to with water dripping on her from the ceiling and "Fatty Patty" nowhere to be seen. Cue the score from Psycho, and our Richard-Speck-in-residence asks her to put on her uniform for him and her begging for her virgin life. As I'm not personally a fan of rape or emotional torture, I'm not really digging this part and am focusing on the amazing white couch that will no doubt end up stained by the end of the scene.

Sure enough, after being hog-tied, Nursing Sister Maria (who looks a bit like Summer Glau from this angle, doesn't she?) prays into that gorgeous couch and is uncermoniously stabbed in the back. Repeatedly. I'm sure there's a metaphor for our troubled healthcare system to be found here but I'm already agonizing over the loss of such pristine upholstery - a little club soda will get that out!

I hope they had Scotch Guard in 1968

Opening credits. Yep - still creepy!

Back in the present, Ben (Dylan McDermott) is "treating" Tate (Evan Peters) again, and ignores an incoming call. Tate talks about how he wants to bone Violet, noting that virgins "get wet so easily." (Like water drops on Nursing Sister Maria?) He also mentions that he beats off a lot to make the bad thoughts go away and we learn that they've been meeting for a few weeks now.

After he gives Tate the bum's rush, Ben answers the phone angrily, threatening to change his number to the person on the other end. A lady's voice tells him, "I'm pregnant." I take it that it isn't the cable company trying to get him to buy their new triple-play.

Cut to a Gus Van Sant film skate park, where Violet (Taissa Farmiga) is commiserating with Leah (Shelby Young), aka Alpha Mean Girl. She's sporting a huge floppy hat and a facial bandage, and says she's been having nightmares after being attacked by that thing in the basement. Violet insists that it was Tate trying to scare her and, taking a nontraditional approach in consoling someone whose face you are partly responsible for shredding to ribbons, insults her hat. Points for originality?

AMG points out that her hair is turning white, Nancy from A Nightmare on Elm Street-style. She then adds that she believes in the devil because she's looked into his eyes, and Jesus H. Christ, don't any kids have lemonade stands or play Pokemon or whatever anymore? Seriously, these cokehead drama queen teenagers are the scariest thing about the show for me. Anyway, I'm guessing she's talking about Tate?

Sure enough, we cut to Violet sleeping in bed and Tate standing over her. Suddenly an alarm sounds and Ben's rippling, naked, furry torso comes bounding down the stairs to turn it off. The front door is open. He sends Viv (hey, remember her?) to call the police, and suddenly the basement door swings open. Turns out Adelaide (Jamie Brewer) is down there rolling a ball into the darkness and laughing, and after Ben kicks her out, something rolls the ball back. (The Twingers? The Ghoulie Baby?)

"Uh, excuse me, but my eyes are UP HERE, lady." (Dylan McDermott as "Ben")

Up in the bedroom, Ben refers to Addy as "a little freak" and Viv (Connie Britton) gets a little heated - turns out she hasn't been getting sick like she did when she carried Violet, and she thinks that something is wrong with the baby. I think that something is wrong with her for being able to form complete sentences while staring his lightly-furred bounty in the eyes. Ben thinks that the baby is their salvation. But no pressure, kid!