"American Horror Story" Recap: It's All Fun and Games Until... HOLY CRAP THAT'S JUST WROOOONG

When Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk's American Horror Story premiered on FX two weeks ago, many of us wondered if the experiment in graphic and twisted terror could sustain itself after the frenetic and boundary-pushing first episode. And while the show has gradually eased off of some of the tricks and gimmicks it threw our way right out of the gate, I'm very pleased to say that three episodes in it is still every bit as creepy, weird, and alive. More alive than most of its characters, in fact - but we'll get to that in a minute.

Seriously - wow. This episode grounded the show like a fresh cement foundation under a gazebo, didn't it? We had the resolution of a few storylines, the beginnings of a few new ones, and the entwining of several seemingly disparate threads. But more than anything, it had an emotional depth that the show hasn't reached for yet, thanks to one of the house's many sad storylines.

I'm officially loving it.

We start off the episode in ... wait for it (mind the sprinkler) ... 1983! Ooh, this is fun - I love these flashback openings and hope they don't go the way of Moira's right eye. BECAUSE IT GETS SHOT THE EFF OUT, SEE?

Yes, this week we are granted a glimpse into the painful backstabbystory of Constance (Jessica Lange) and Moira (the Younger, played by Alexandra Breckenridge). Turns out that Constance's Van Johnson-looking husband (who, like most of the actors on this show, looks vaguely familiar) has been giving the maid extra tips and she's not into it anymore. When she resists his advances, saying that she really needs the job, he says possibly the 1983-est thing ever - "Want a Camaro?" - and then tries to rape her. We cut to the hallway, where an impossibly slinky pair of legs in a red dress and a loosely-held gun sidle slowly toward the door.

Constance enters the room in all her Knots Landing-era glory, and swiftly shoots Moira in the face. She then turns her gun on her husband, telling him "I've loved you since I was sixteen" and that he's broken her heart for the last time. She then shoots him through the heart (Connie, you really do give love a bad name), adds another in his liver for good measure, sits down, takes off her earrings (again with the earrings!) and lets out a squawk that would raise the dead.

It's all fun and games until...

We get a nice close-up of Moira's face to give us evidence that Constance has, indeed, shot her eye out (such a shame that A Christmas Story came out just a few months later...). That explains why Moira the Elder has that wonky peeper.

Anyway, Connie and her Joan Collins Collection ensemble slide down on the bed next to the corpse of her husband, and Viv (Connie Britton) strolls in. Nice transition! She's chiding Ben (Dylan McDermott, fully clothed and therefore only partly interesting) about something - we think it's the Boston babymama visit, but she's mad that Ben tied up all their money in some crappy investment. Ha! Well, that solves the whole "why don't they just leave?" haunted house hurdle. She really wants to move out but he says there isn't the money and he needs the space to see his patients (both of whom are dead, if I'm not mistaken).

He tells her that she has PTSD and that he knows a good shrink, and she gives him the most withering "Don't make me out to be crazy" I've ever heard, followed by the most weenie-shrinking "If you lie to me again we're through" on record. Wow - for being the erstwhile heroine of the piece, Viv can really be a megabitch.

Opening credits - yep, still creepy. But after this hour, we'll have a much better idea of what they're all about!

Okay, speaking of megabitch, this scene between Viv and the realtor is like Megabitch vs. Monsterasshat: A SyFy Original. Viv is back serving tea again (seriously, what's with her and tea?) and the realtor is gossiping about "the boys" who owned the house and what "dirty little perverts" they really were, sharing the fascinating detail that one of them ended up with a fireplace poker in his back nine. When Viv tells the realtor that she tricked her family into buying the house and that she's going to make up for that, the realtor quips, "Nobody's buying me cooking lessons, Mrs. Hormon!" Lady, pick yourself up a Learning Annex brochure and shut the eff up.

Oh - but she also drops the hint that there may have been other murders in the house beyond the past three years that she was legally required to disclose, which is news to Viv. Viv basically tells her that she expects the lady to do a live donkey show on the front lawn if that's what it takes to sell the house, because if she doesn't sell it she's going to sue her ass into the next county. Atta girl, Viv!

Francis Conroy as Moira

Meanwhile, Ben is in the kitchen spurning the advances of Moira the Younger and drinking coffee. Seriously, these people and their hot, caffeinated beverages - it should be called Mormon Horror Story. But this time Moira backs off relatively quickly and moves on to the parlor, where she enters as Moira the Elder (Francis Conroy) and catches Connie stealing more silverwear. Connie points out that it's corroded because Moira is "a shitty maid" and then calls her "a thief of Biblical proportions." As she moves to leave, Moira suddenly freaks out, classic Ruth Fisher style: "I DON'T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE!" Connie says she doesn't want to either, but it's Moira's fault. She also says every time she see's Moira's milky eye it reminds her of what a great shot she is.

Only a few scenes in and we've had some of the best dialog and most gloriously arch deliveries of the season. Love. Ing. It.