"Glee" Episode 215 Recap: "Let's Talk About (Gay) Sex"

I've made six or seven attempts at getting this recap started, and I keep deleting them and starting over. Because somehow I think I turned back into a 16-year-old girl with a broken heart because the girl who said she loved me is going out with a boy.

If you didn't watch, I'm talking about Santana Lopez, who broke every expectation I had of what this episode would be about, and told Brittany she loved her and wanted to be with her.

Is there anyone reading this who thought that would happen? Even one single person? Because if you did, please tell me right now what's going to happen with the economy, because you're definitely psychic.

And it's not like this episode's gay was all girl on girl, either. Kurt and Blaine had their moments, and Kurt and his dad had one of the best father-son sex talks in the history of television. And hey, thinking about Kurt's sex-hands-tiger-paws has made me laugh enough to stop this meandering, bloviating introduction and tell you what the heck happened on Glee last night.

It's like this: Holly Holliday (Gwyneth Paltrow) is back, this time as a substitute sex ed teacher. Will's totally happy, but Emma, not so much – ostensibly because Holly is all gung ho on accepting that teens will be sexually active while Emma is the new leader of the Celibacy Club, but I suspect it has more to do with the way Will's face lit up when he saw her. Just a hunch.

Emma asks Holly why she doesn't think celibacy is a valid choice for teens, and Holly says she thinks it's a valid choice, "I just don't think it's realistic. You know, it's like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions."

Will laughed way too hard. Emma noticed.

Will stopped laughing when Holly said some of the Glee Club kids were "the most clueless." Cut to a scene in sex ed class, where we discover that Finn and Mercedes think cucumbers can "give you AIDS."

Emma objects again, saying that kids don't need to be bombarded with sexual information, but should be taught that it's serious stuff, "not for kids and not for adults." Yeah. The anvil school of foreshadowing is strong in the Glee writers.

So, for those who haven't been following every word I write about this show with breathless and rapt attention, or who don't use Twitter, Glee producer Brad Falchuk tweeted a few weeks ago that this is the episode were we'd realize that "Brittana is on. Brittana was always on."

I didn't know what that meant, but I figured we'd get some kind of explanation of where their relationship had been since the scene in "Duets" when Santana flounced out of bed with Brittany and pretty much slammed the door on any kind of emotional connection between the two of them… and Brittany started dating Artie.

So, the next scene was, I thought, the "it" we'd been waiting for.

Brittany is putting something in her locker (adorned with one of her promo pics in a Cheerios uniform, amusingly framed as being the cover of "Cheerleading" magazine) when Santana walks up to her, smiling. "Hey, Britt-Britt, how about you and I popping in some 'Sweet Valley High' this evening and get our cuddle on?"

"Britt-Britt." That's just precious.

Brittany gives her a sweet, sad look. "Look, I'd really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately. I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone, especially Artie."

Before Santana can finish saying, "Your secret's safe with me," everyone in the school knows – including Artie.

So, I thought that was it. I wasn't totally happy with it, but it was basically what I was expecting. I mean, not that Brittany was pregnant, but I'd seen it leaked that she really wasn't, so I sort of ignored that. No, I mean that little attempted seduction, and the clear indication that, despite the fact that Brittany was dating Artie, she was also still at least making out with Santana. And that, I figured, was that.

I was so wrong.