"Glee" Episode 312 Recap: Latin Flavor

Note: I'm subbing in for regular recapper Christie Keith who was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with critical second-hand embarrassment last night after watching Will Schuester gyrate around in a matador costume. Just kidding. Christie is on vacation, but she'll be back next week just in time for the Glee Valentine's Day extravaganza! --Heather

Previously on Glee, Ryan Murphy hammered the gavel he keeps on his nightstand and declared, "Season three will be a season of stories, not stunt-casting!" But lo, The Boy Who Lived concluded his run on Broadway and a StarKid was summoned in his stead. A conundrum: According to The Code, at least seven AfterElton.com Hot 100 contenders must appear in every given episode of Glee. With Darren Criss succeeding in business, how could the quota be filled? An answer: Ricky Martin.

Honestly, you guys, it's like Glee's production team just scrolled through the Hot 100, all, "Regular cast member, regular cast member, guest star, guest star, Anderson's too busy with the election — oh, hey, how about number ten here, Ricky Martin?"

How about it.

Mr. Schue is doing his yearly rendition of "La Cucaracha," shaking his maracas and feeling all right, until he notices every student in his Spanish class — like every person in America — staring at him with open disdain and incredulity. Things get real meta real fast. He's like, "Wasn't there a time, like back in season one, when people thought I was great? When I wasn't forced to wear silly costumes and say ridiculous things and generally act like an asshole?" I am inclined to say yes. Santana is inclined to say no.

Principal Figgins calls Will into his office for a bit of reprimanding and lets it slip that there's a tenured teaching position opening up. Which: Ha. Ha! HA TO INFINITY! Everyone is tenured at McKinley High. Sue has buried at least 100 bodies under the bleachers in the gym. NeNe Leakes drowns students in the pool on the regular. Emma steals cleaning supplies and stockpiles them in storage lockers all around town in case of some sort of germ Apocalypse. Coach Beiste keeps a flock of chickens for slaughtering just outside the football field house. And Will finds new ways to be criminally insufferable every week. No one gets fired at this school. In fact, I'll prove it to you: Let us now engage in a drinking game in which we take shots every time a teacher commits a fireable offense. Two shots if the offense is also a felony in the state of Ohio.

Will decides to go to night school to learn some things and be introduced to this week's agent of existential crisis, Mr. David Martinez, a Spanish instructor with the face of an angel and the mental alacrity of a Fox & Friends host. He explains that Americans will all be speaking Spanish by the year 2030, which is, of course, absurd. By 2030, we'll all have our own personal hoverboard, a gadget that will make our lives so complete we'll have no need to communicate with other human beings.

After class, Will takes David our for a drink — coffee for Will, fluoride for David — and explains how it just occurred to him that he should learn Spanish so he can teach Spanish. [DRINK!] He works New Directions into the conversation like he always does, like when your friend just started dating someone and finds a way to mention him no matter if you're talking about pizza toppings or nuclear proliferation. ("You know who loves pepperoni? Roger. Siiiiigh." "You know who hates having at atomic bomb dropped on her head in the middle of the night? Roger. Siiiiiigh.") David is like, "I've always wanted to start a glee club." And Will goes, "You should. Back when I was cool — no, really. Stop laughing. I had a following and everyth — fine, whatever. The point is, a couple of years ago, I spent my whole life worrying about whether or not we'd have enough students to compete in Regionals, but these days McKinley can sustain any number of glee clubs. You should make one."

Speaking of creating things, Sue Sylvester is going to have herself a baby. Since the one thing she cannot do with her scientifically superior body is create sperm, she is propositioning the fine fellows of New Directions to choke their chickens on her behalf. [DRINK!] [BONUS FELONY DRINK!] When they don't rise to the occasion (sorry), Sue decides to hit up Will for some of his DNA. She even offers him access to her own personal spank bank [DRINK!], which includes magazines bearing her image on the cover. Sue bounces before Will vomits because Principal Figgins has summoned her.