"The Real World: San Diego" Recap: "We Get Bashed Because We Back Down. I'm Not Going to Back Down."

Previously on The Real World, Barbie and metrosexual Ken flirted and no one cared. This week the most boring Real World setup in the history of the series ignites like a Zippo lighter in a rainstorm and, as expected, no one cares.

The episode opens with metrosexual Ken getting his eyebrows waxed at a salon as Barbie burbles at him. "Ooooh!" purrs metrosexual Ken as wax is smeared on his face.

"Me and Zach get along. We hang out all the time," says Barbie. "We have really similar personalities, and obviously we‘re really attracted to each other and, if you can‘t see it, you‘re pretty blind."

I’ll give you the first point. Their personalities are alike in that they are about as interesting as Styrofoam.

But point number two? In a previous episode, Zach stated with his trademark blank stare that he and Ashley would be a good match because he is the football player type and she is the cheerleader type. Is this guy actually attracted to Ashley? Does he even understand attraction? He seems to be either asexual or only attracted to himself, which explains the hours spent each day waxing, keeping his gargantuan body hairless, going to the gym, and exfoliating. You know what else is blind, Ashley? Love. And you need a new prescription.

Young Priscilla confides to momma that Ashley has turned into Zach’s parrot and that she finds it irritating. The first day Ashley told the roommates that she likes her meat well done, but as soon as Zach said he likes his steaks rare, suddenly Ashley decided she wants to eat a bleeding cow. It appears that the urge to merge isn’t just a lesbian phenomenon.

Sam gets a phone call from a friend, who tells her that two of her friends got into a car accident and one of them had to have half her leg amputated. Distraught, Sam relays the bad news to Nate, who comforts her. He says that he’s been through tragedies involving friends as well, and that he will try to calm her down and make her laugh. He talks to Sam while they snuggle in bed and, every so often, Nate cuts the gravitas with a bit of stuffed animal theater.

Frank walks into the room and asks Sam if she would feel better if the roommates were to go out and play putt putt to take her mind off of things. Nate suggests bowling instead, and the three agree. A few of the roommates drag their feet, including Zach, who is in a middle of a leisurely ping pong game. Annoyed, Sam tells Zach to get dressed, and Zach responds by telling Sam that if she does not leave him alone, he will beat the gay out of her — and then he resumes his game.

Sam, channeling a superhuman amount of restraint, tells the camera, calmly, that Zach’s comment was not OK, because there are gays and bisexuals actually getting bullied and beaten. I almost wish Zach had said the comment to Frank, who has no restraint whatsoever. While Zach would ultimately win in a brawl, Frank would probably get a couple of jabs in there, chipping one of Zach’s perfect teeth, a fate worse than death to Mr. Vain.