"Shameless" 2.03 Recap: I Can't Believe It's Not Butterface

This week's Shameless started out as all television programs should: With a shot of a particularly delicious pair of buns. The pooper in question belonged to one Taylor Kinney (The Vampire Diaries) as Craig Heisner, the object of Fiona's former affection alluded to several times in the last ep, who has done us a serious solid by appearing in the flesh. And what flesh it is!

Taylor Kinney has nothing to be ashamed of

Unfortunately for us and for Fiona, this bout of mattress-mashing was just a dream, as evidenced by the disturbing image of Craig opening his mouth and Deb's voice coming out, saying, "Dead people poop themselves." Way to kill the mood, Debs!

Turns out the little ginger party-crasher has been obsessed with death ever since seeing Harry's dead body at the nursing home. Fiona (Emmy Rossum) is too flustered in her downstairs region to really address the situation, so Debs (Emma Kenney) rattles off an amusing list of euphemisms for biting the big one (my fave: "Just add maggots") while Fiona snaps back to reality.

Jeremy Allen White

Lip (Jeremy Allen White) is at the college visiting Prof. Hearst (Dennis Boutsikaris), who thanks him for the weed and the music, which was so good his hot grad student ladypal let him have lunch at the Y, if you catch my meaning. He gives Lip the tip of spelling the alphabet, noting that he's never gotten past "M". Not that you'd need to, Mmmm? Okay, that was lame - but in my defense, cunnilingus humor is just a tad outside for me, k?

Hearts introduces Lip to some Pentagon guy named McNally, who seems a bit miffed when he realizes that Lip's a high-school kid who just wants to know what a guy's gotta do to get into West Point. His response: "Suck my dick!" Why am I not surprised. He cracks and tells Lip that if he helps on his project, which likely involves finding ways to blow up small villages from thousands of miles away, they'll talk.

William H. Macy

Frank (William H. Macy), meanwhile, is still trying to butter up Butterface (Molly Price) by hanging up her panties to dry. Can you take care of mine while you're at it, Frank? I'm still thinking about Craig Heisner!

When he asks if she gets lonely she rattles off a list of companions including daughters and apparently some guy named Kermit - but I'm more interested in learning more about Showshoes, her cat. Anyway, Frank gets a bug in his undies about Kermit, a guy from the bar who has apparently been coming around and fixing things for her like he has.

Back at the house, Vanessa Veronica (Shanola Hampton, looking hotter every week) pops by to ask Fiona if she wants to pick up some cash helping out at her mom's salon that weekend. Why am I smelling a Tabatha Takes Over crossover? She asks why F is putting on makeup during the day, and she reveals that she's meeting Craig for coffee - but just as old non-friends, not as old non-lovers. V does a nice booty-pop, yelling, "Here's what you missed, Craig Heisner!" [Note to self: Learn how to do that.]