“Southland” Episode 305 Recap: “Meet Papa Bear”

I don’t know about you, but I’m still reeling from last week’s total downer of a shocker. Frankly, it has me a little worried about the rest of this season. Like what could they possibly be planning now to top that off? Maybe kill a puppy or rough up Betty White?

This week opens on Cuddlybear driving through The Joshua Tree cover art. He seems sort of distracted, but not nearly as distracted as the idiot in front of him who couldn’t be bothered to secure a ladder in the back of his truck that goes flying backward into the road.

Cuddlybear swerves to avoid it and winds up off road. He howls (in rage?), as the picture freezes.

Foreboding Announcer Guy: “Every Southland viewer knows that whichever character we start the episode with is in for a really crappy day … What? You really thought Cuddlybear was coming back from a weekend in Palm Desert, maybe hanging out in a hot tub with a bunch of twinkie underwear models? Yeah, right.”

33 Hours Earlier …

Cuddlybear’s day starts off with him writhing around as a little prick gets stuck in his backside.

He’s at the acupuncturist, who cautions that this is the last session his insurance will cover, but his back’s no better, so he should consider other options. I’m wondering what sort of options could possibly come after acupuncture. Hypnotism? Witch doctor? Maybe a cop-turned-brujo living in Louisiana?

Meanwhile, Lydia and Josie rush to their car as a gale force wind puffs Josie’s hair up to 1980s Alexis/Krystal levels of volume. They both bitch about the Santa Ana winds, which they observe seem to come more frequently and powerfully each year.

Oh please. Here in the Northeast, we’re going on about our 94th day of freezing temperatures, and our 67th snow/ice (a.k.a. “snice”) storm. It’s gotten so bad around here that even snowmen have been complaining about blue balls. So boo-hoo for you people out West if it’s a tad bit too breezy for your liking. Go out and buy yourselves a windbreaker and STFU.

Later, at a police briefing (where the subject of Nate’s pending funeral is mentioned), we get further elaboration on the significance of the Santa Ana winds ...

For one thing, they present a danger of spreading wildfires (okay, that does seem like a legit concern). And for another, they usually bring out the crazies in full force. We all know that every cop show loves to do their “full moon” episode, so this is at least an interesting twist on that old favorite.

If you were hoping for escaped mental patients convinced they’re werewolves, though, you’re in for a disappointment with Lydia and Josie’s rather ordinary case.

They get called to a home where a woman seems to be the latest victim of the “West Side Rapist.” The woman didn’t want to call the cops and is scared about accusing someone or testifying. But her husband is quite supportive, all “I blame myself for being off on a business trip,” and all I’m thinking as he talks is, “He did it.”

The woman claims the rapist spoke with a Hispanic accent and smelled like dirt, sweat, and Miracle Grow. So Lydia and Josie interview landscapers and gardeners who work in the area, and settle on this one guy who’s got mysterious scratches all over him.