“Southland” Episode 306 Recap: “Who’s Been Sleeping In My Bed?”

We open on Lydia and Josie escorting a handcuffed guy from a house, surrounded by crowds and photographers, as Cuddlybear bulldozes his way through to clear a path for them. The picture freezes.

Foreboding Announcer Guy: “Ooooh, look! Movie stars! … Say, you wanna know something funny? Movie stars actually suck.”

Four Billion Five Hundred Million Years Ago …The earth was a festering mass of molten lava and noxious gas.

Oops. Looks like I went back a little too far. Let me try this again …

533 Years Ago …The Spanish Inquisition begins. Ha! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Okay, still clearly having trouble here. Let’s try this one more time …

5 Hours Ago. Bingo!

It’s the middle of the night, and Lydia is lying in bed wide awake. What keeps her from the glorious peace and short-lived serenity of evening slumber? Is she burdened by the daily travails and uncertainties of the job? The ceaseless violence, the lingering doubts, the unrelenting reminders of her own mortality?

Nah. It’s just her mother getting it on next door. Loudly.

Meanwhile, across town, we get a tight close-up of Cuddlybear, as he too lies back in bed wide awake, shirtless and back harnessed. (Please, oh please, oh please, let him finally be in bed with somebody!)

He sits up, his face and body language conveying the psychological weariness and physical back strain that perpetually plague him. (And please, oh please, oh please, if he is in bed with someone, please let it be a dude and not Red-Haired Mustang Sally.)

He gets out of bed, the camera pulls back, and there you have it … a dude in bed next to him (Yes!), with his shirt off (Extra points!), and he’s hot (Jackpot!).

So that should put an end to the whole “have they gone and de-gayed Cuddlybear?” debate. He’s clearly gay -- always has been, always will be -- and he’s got a sex life. Now maybe we can keep that thought at the back of our minds and concentrate on all the other factors that make him such a fascinating character -- the personal demons from his past, the drug addiction, the overpowering desire for Rookieboy he has yet to consciously acknowledge even though we all know it’s there.