“Southland” Episode 307 Recap: “Your Friendly Neighborhood Cuddlybear”

We open on Dewey and Chickie doing the high-speed chase thing. Yay! We haven’t seen the two of them in a while and they’re always a fun couple. Plus this means we get to play my favorite Southland drinking game – do a shot every time Dewey says something horrifically offensive. Double shot if Chickie rolls her eyes.

They’re speeding along after a suspect, when something goes wrong. I think they lose contact with the police helicopter and are supposed to stop, but Dewey is all caught up in the moment and insists he totally knows what he’s doing and is an excellent driver and barely ever has accidents (at least when he’s sober) and Chickie should just shut up and let him drive … when a pedestrian steps right in front of him.

Foreboding Announcer Guy: “Hey, remember that movie Sideways? That was a good movie.”

31 Hours Previously …

Lydia is talking to Tom Everett Scott reading about herself in the tabloids. And not the good kind of tabloid article you’d be happy to read about yourself, like about that sex tape with James Franco that finally got out, or your dramatic weight loss, or how you adopted a Bat Boy. This one is the mud-slinging type, all about how Lydia is a corrupt cop who leaked crime scene photos to the press.

Lydia is really upset about how her job is in jeopardy for something she didn’t do. TES is all, “Oh, I’m sure you’ll be fine. It’s really no big deal, right? Everything will work out, ha ha ha,” as he starts sweating and pulling at his shirt collar.

Lydia responds, “When I catch the motherf*cker who leaked those photos, I’m going to castrate the bastard with a rusty butter knife!” And TES quietly crosses his legs, all, “I’m sure he had his reasons … Say what did you think of last night’s Glee?” Lydia says, “Wait, I’m not done yet … I’m going to castrate the bastard, then I’m going to stuff his peter in my gun, shove it up his ass, and fire.” Then TES turns sheet-white, asks to be excused to go the bathroom, and abruptly cuts the call.

But Lydia has places to be too. She and Josie get called to a crime scene in a grocery store parking lot. Two people had started firing at each other. They ran away before the cops could get them, but innocent bystanders were caught in the crossfire.

Lydia starts questioning this one eyewitness, and initially I detect this nice, lighthearted flirty banter with the guy. I thought, “Oh, how nice. They’re giving Lydia a love interest. I like where this is going.” (Boy, am I an idiot!)

Part of the reason I initially like these scenes so much is that the guy is played by Malcolm Barrett, who I know from Better Off Ted, and I loved that show, and he was great on it, and it’s really nice to see him on TV again. But then I remember that the show was cancelled before it’s time and I start to get a little sad. Which is good because it prepares me for the pit of despair this episode is about to thrust us all into.