“Southland” Episode 310 Recap: A Rookie No More

We open on Rookieboy in hot pursuit of a suspect, following him up the fire escape of a very tall building. Climbing, climbing, climbing … Whew. I’m getting tired just watching him.

Once up top, he chases the guy across the rooftops and tries to leap from one building to another like a character in a video game. Mid-leap, the picture freezes …

Foreboding Announcer Guy: “If Rookieboy finally graduates, does that make him Rookieman? Or would he now be Copboy? Discuss.”

9 Hours Earlier.

Cuddlybear wakes up wracked with crippling back pain. We’ve seen this same scene repeatedly throughout the season, and it’s a testament to Cudlitz’s acting that he’s able to demonstrate so many different types and degrees of back pain.

It’s clear how much more severe the pain is at this point, and I was contemplating contacting all of you and asking for donations so we could chip in and finally get this poor S.O.B. some surgery already.

Meanwhile, across town, Lydia is also in bed wracked with pain … the pain of overwhelming sexual ecstasy as she basks in the arms of her boytoy lover having spent themselves on a night of unbridled passion of the (disappointingly) heterosexual kind.

Then his mother calls. Talk about a mood kill. Yet the call from his mom only seems to enflame Rodrigo’s passion even more, although he’s insistent that they keep their affair a secret from her. Frankly, Lydia should really be wondering at this point why her new BF seems to get off so much on shtupping his mom’s partner behind her back. It’s like he’s cheating on his own mother.

On patrol that day, Lydia and Josie spend most of the episode looking for a day laborer who kidnapped and sexually assaulted a teenaged girl. Throughout the morning, Josie passes the time making nosy chit chat with Lydia about the enormous hickey on her neck and the enthusiastically revitalized sex life it seems to portend.

Like something out of Greek tragedy, she doesn’t realize she’s talking about her own son, as she grills her partner for details about her lover’s penis size and sexual prowess.

At one point, Lydia excuses herself (so she can commence vomiting and wipe up the blood that’s pouring out her ears), and Josie innocently answers her cell phone for her only to hear her sonnyboy cooing, “Hello lover.”

So when Lydia gets back in, Josie’s all, “How long have you been screwing my son?” Then she brings up their age difference, calling Lydia a child molester. Worse, she calls her 40. In reality, Rodrigo is not all that young (he’s 28), and Lydia is only 36. That’s not even that big an age difference, so I’m not sure why Josie has her panties in such a bunch over this.