"Spartacus: Vengeance" Episode 2 Recap: "Life Is the Pits"

Last week’s opening episode of Spartacus: Vengeance was all about new beginnings. Spartacus, Crixus, and the other gladiators and slaves from the fallen House of Batiatus are left wondering what to do with their newly found free time (though hiding from the Roman army does keep idle hands occupied.) The newly-named Praetor Gaius Claudius Glaber (wait, this guy’s a Praetor? I thought those ears meant he was an elf, not a Romulan) attempts to do the two things he could not do in Season One: kill Spartacus and find a way to keep his trampy wife in line. Said trampy wife, meanwhile, finds herself established in the former house of Batiatus as Glaber’s base in Capua. Unsurprisingly, Illithyia is unhappy about this, in no small part because, just a short time ago, dozens of people were murdered there, and their entrails splayed all over the wall are sooo last season—I mean, seriously, Architectural Digest would plotz if they saw the post-massacre décor in that house. Lastly, Capua has a new magistrate, a chunky Animal House-reject in a toga who has two incredibly annoying and mildly incestuous kids to deal with of his own. By episode’s end, we learn that Lucretia has survived the massacre, that Spartacus and company—like a lot of blue-haired grandmothers—are headed south for the winter, and that Spartacus: Vengeance will still show more nipples per second than a Victoria’s Secret fashion show in a windstorm.

Still, if Episode 1 was about new beginnings, Episode 2 of Spartacus: Vengeance is all about looking back. The show begins with Oenomaus (Doctore) in flashback. Instead of the hulking slab of humorless man meat we’re all familiar with, we see a skinny, scrawny stick figure fighting in the pits and desperately trying not to end up a shish kabob. What Oenomaus lacks in fighting skill he makes up in sheer crazy which, as I have often myself demonstrated when stuck in long lines at the grocery store, is still not a bad way to get the job done. After he stabs his opponent in the junk (In. The. Junk.) he proves victorious, much to the pleasure of one of the spectators—Batiatus, Senior, who haggles with Oenomaus’ owner to buy him for his ludus. The slave owner’s line when Batiatus, Senior lowballs him—“You appear as honorable man yet attempt to slip cock in ass”—is absolutely priceless. Seriously, I need to find three excuses to casually use that line in conversation next week. Still, the owner gives in, and Batiatus, Senior takes home his new prize.

Flashing back to the present, we see Spartacus and his men preparing to attack a Roman villa. The dominus of the villa is too distracted to notice his men are being killed—like any good Roman, he’s busy having lots of sex. I have to admire how direct these Romans are, such as when the dominus, vigorously thrusting himself into a blonde female slave, turns to his male body servant and just plainly declares, “Tiberius, I would finish—place cock in ass.” Hasn’t this guy ever heard of foreplay? Can’t he even take one second out of his busy sexing schedule to say, “Tiberius, your hair looks very nice today. Now place cock in ass.” I mean, seriously, is one little compliment too much to ask?

Apparently it is, but it’s no matter, as the dominus ends up as dead as a forisclavus (that’s Latin for “doornail.”) The soldiers and the citizens are all killed, but Spartacus tells the slaves they are free. When someone asks who he is to grant them their freedom, he replies, “I am Spartacus,” which, to his happy surprise, has the same reaction as a certain diva megastar walking into any West Hollywood bar and declaring, “I am Cher.” Still, it’s an odd moment. I mean, seriously, who do the slaves think is rescuing them? How many roaming bands of gladiators are currently terrorizing the countryside around Capua?

Mira then gets into an interesting conversation with the blonde slave girl, who eyes Spartacus as a hunky meal ticket. Mira gets all, “Back off girlfriend! That boy is mine!,” and in my rich fantasy life the two engage in a fierce Monica/Brandy style duet. In reality, though, the blonde slave girl asks Mira exactly what is going on between her and Spartacus, something, it is evident to see, that Mira has been wondering as well.