"Spartacus: Vengeance" Recap: "Burn, Baby, Burn"

This week’s edition of Spartacus: Vengeance opens with a reminder of what really brought attention to this series in the first place: the arena. Two men enter. One man leaves. This is Thunderdo—err, this is Capua, where two gladiators battle it out on the sands. The fight is awesome. The carnage is bone-shattering. The battle is exhausting. The blood sprays everywhere (and you know bloodstains are a pain to get out of a peplum!) And the people of Capua are eating it up.

And this includes our favorite Gossip Girl crew, sitting in the royal box, talking smack about one another and sharing scandal while taking in the carnage with the rest of the plebeians. Well, enjoy it while it lasts, suckers. For some of you, this is your last trip to the arena.

But I get ahead of myself. We open with Varinius, everyone’s favorite Alexis Carrington knock-off (wouldn’t he look fabulous in mink?) dissing Gaius Hottius Glaber and sucking up to the crowd. Enter into the arena three captured fugitives: Crixus, Oenomaus, and that other gladiator. Seriously, the guy has been around since the first episode of the season, drinking, carousing, and killing, and I still don’t know his name. He’s like the plain girl at the prom—we’re pretty sure he is someone’s cousin, we’re just not sure whose. For the purposes of this recap, let’s just call him Baldius.

And hey, is it me, or does Baldius look like he’s lost a few pounds? I mean, at the start of the season he was definitely in cub territory (no hair, no bear,) but he’s really looking trimmed up. I can see some abs there. Clearly, imprisonment agrees with him.

And who is here to execute our trio of fugitive gladiators? None other than Gannicus, the only gladiator from Capua to ever earn his freedom in the arena. The crowd roars when Gannicus appears—geez, relax Capuans! He’s not Jeremy Lin. Face facts: You are so not beating the Heat tonight (pun intended!)

Suddenly, we flash back to one day prior, where Spartacus and his crew find an abandoned ruin at the base of Vesuvius. Turns out, however, the old temple has a squatter—and like all squatters, he’s of the crazy hermit variety. No problem—Lucius is a Roman who hates Romans (it’s like being a self-loathing gay, which I guess makes him a Log Cabin Roman—I kid, I kid!) He is happy to share his temple with Spartacus. Lucius also carries with him important news—Crixus and some of the other gladiators are still alive…

We spot Gannicus next, and we learn that he will fight his former brothers in the arena for a very good reason—he’s broke.

Who knows what happened to all his former winnings…I’d guess it all went up his nose, but seeing as this is more 85 than 1985, that’s probably not quite right. Getting himself a bit of a down payment from Mercato, the new lanista in Capua, he avails himself of the ministrations of one very vigorous lady of the night. Seriously, I understand the need for a little warm-up before a big sporting event, but Gannicus, bro, save something for the arena! Turns out his chippie is also chatty, and once she recognizes him as the Gannicus she’s all, “Ohmygawd I love you won’t you please sign my autograph book?” or something like that. Gannicus broods over his upcoming show in the arena, but, seriously, after what he just did, I’m surprised he has the energy to even put his pants back on.