"True Blood" Episode 401 Recap: Is Eating Fruit That Glows Ever a Good Idea?

If we've learned anything about True Blood over the course of its first three seasons, it's this … whenever it's on the air, it can be counted onto be just about the craziest thing you'll see on your TV, barring the occasional Real Housewives reunion or GOP debate.

To keep on top of all the batsh*t insanity that's certain to be coming our way this season, I'm going to add a new feature to the recaps … each storyline will now receive a "WTF? Rating" — WTF standing, of course, for "What the Fang?" Let's count all the WTF? crazy-goodness in the season premiere, shall we?

Sookie In Fairyland

Season 4 picks up right where Season 3's finale ended, when Sookie zapped away in a puff of light.

Now we see her zap into Fairyland, although not the Summer's Eve (h/t snicks) glowy pond part we saw last year. Instead, this seems to be a combination of the movie Xanadu and every sci-fi show that's ever had an episode on the Ancient Rome Planet. Which is to say it's totally awesome and I pretty much want to move there.

Given on any given week that Game of Thrones manages to look gorgeous on its limited budget, I'm assuming the cheese-tastic look of this sequence is wholly intentional and I fully approve. Fairyland is exactly how I imagine Heaven to be – everybody's all angelic looking, you run into your beloved dead relatives, and it's populated mostly by pagans.

Sookie sees Claudine, who explains she's Sookie's "fairy godmother." Sookie hilariously replies that if Claudine's job is to keep her safe, then she pretty much sucks at it.

Apparently fairy godmothers come in boy versions too, since Sookie also sees Barry, the telepathic bellhop from two seasons ago, who introduces his fairy godmother, "Lloyd," a Stepford-gay whose chest is so waxed even vampires can see their reflections in it.

Finally, Sookie sees her beloved Granddaddy, played by Gary Cole, who immediately increases the awesomeness level of anything he's in by about a thousand. Love him, mmm 'kay? Grandaddy says he only just saw Sookie a week ago but she was just a little girl. Sookie responds that was 20 years ago.

Uh oh. Something's hinky in Fairyland.

Then she notices that everyone around her is really into eating these radioactive pieces of fruit they refer to as "light fruit." I always thought "light fruit" was the answer to the question, "What do you call a bunch of gay guys who just got back from fat camp?" (Ugh. It's the first episode and I'm already reduced to terrible puns. I am so sorry. I pity you poor readers, I really do.)

She warns Barry that it's a trap, a warning confirmed by the arrival of the Fairy Queen, Mab. Mab announces that she had Sookie brought to her because she's pissed Sookie led a vampire to their realm, since vampires like to suck fairies dry. Oh, also? The fairies are harvesting humans (although for reasons that remain unclear).

When Mab tries to force Sookie to have a piece of fruit, she throws it to the ground, and all of a sudden everything transforms. It's like when I've made the mistake of staying too late at some bar, and all of a sudden all the happy shiny dancing people are gone and it's just me and some drag queen with runny mascara and a barfing college student. Oh, wait … that wasn't at some bar. That was my apartment.

So Sookie and Grandaddy run away, and find themselves in footage from The Walking Dead, as they're pursued through this desert landscape by zombie-like fairy goons while the camera shakes vérité-style. They get help from Claude, Claudine's brother, who is on the side of the humans and doesn't want Fairyland sealed off from the human world.

He brings Sookie and Granddaddy to the portal to our world – which is about to disappear – and warns that only those who haven't eaten glowy fruit can return. She and Granddaddy jump in anyway – and Granddaddy promptly dies.

Buh-bye Gary Cole! Go bring your awesomeness to another TV show in need!

Sookie goes home to find her house has been all fixed up. Then she sees Jason who reveals she's been gone for over a year. (Nitpicky question #1: How come the other times Sookie went to Fairyland, there was no time shift?) Thinking she'd been killed by a vampire, everybody pretty much moved on with their lives. Oh, and he sold the house.

WTF Rating: 4. So the fairies are baddies? Huh. Didn't see that coming.

Tara: Portrait of a Kickass Runaway

Last season, I kept bemoaning that we'd lost kickass Tara. As if to make up for it, we meet up with Tara this year totally kicking ass. In fact, she's in some sort of all-girl fightclub in New Orleans.

When she's not beating the crap out of her sparring partner, she's going to bed with her, thereby fulfilling HBO's current mandate of having as much girl-on-girl action on its shows as possible. Not that I'm complaining, HBO! Just don’t forget about us gay boys … we're still waiting for a re-do of the Sam-Bill porno dream sequence from last year.

Anyway, Tara's girlfriend is also kickass but also seems really nice, and it's good to see her finally happy. Plus it's refreshing to finally have a TV show with a bisexual character who isn't a sexually voracious vampire and/or evil.

The only problem is that Tara is totally lying to her girlfriend about who she is and where she's from – not exactly a foundation for a strong LTR. When Lafayette texts her that Sookie is back, she lies to her GF and says her grandfather back home in Atlanta died.

WTF Rating: 0. There were all sorts of spoilers last week about a character having a same-sex relationship this season. Everybody guessed Tara and … yep, it's Tara.

Sam's (Naked) Anger Management Support Group

Everybody at Merlotte's is of course happy to have Sookie back from the dead, but they're also sort of pissed at her. Especially since Jason convinces her not to tell everyone she was in Fairyland, since they'll only think she's (even more) bonkers. So instead she has the brilliant idea of telling everybody she was away on Top Secret Vampire Business. This hardly wins people over, especially Sam, who agrees to give her old job back to her but is clearly annoyed by the whole situation.

But Sam is angry about lots of things these days! Especially about his twerpy little brother Tommy.

You remember last year how Tommy stole from Sam, and Sam chased after him and fired a gun at him? Well, turns out he shot Tommy in the leg. Now he has to pay for Tommy's physical therapy and attend anger management classes.

Meanwhile, Twerpy Tommy is as twerpy as ever, and has been taken in by none other than Maxine Fortenberry, who is only too happy to have a boy to (s)mother now that Hoyt has forsaken her for a certain red-headed vampire harlot.

Later on, we see Sam having dinner with his anger management buddies, but it's not like how I'd imagine your typical anger management group. They're all stunningly good looking, and they're eating a nice meal and getting drunk on fine wine.

Then they get up and start taking their clothes off. I guess an impromptu orgy is one way of working off anger issues!

Except it's not orgy time. They strip, and shape shift into horses, who happily gallop off into the night.

WTF Rating: 2. Burning question: if they were drunk when they shifted, are the horses drunk too? Because that would be hilarious.