"True Blood" Episode 403 Recap: "Bibbity Bobbity Eww!"

This week's episode was scripted by the one true Vampire Authority himself, Alan Ball.

I think by now I've come to realize that his episodes can be counted on for brilliant, witty dialogue, and for clever dabbling in political/social commentary. Also, for wonderful minor moments between characters that bring out interesting dimensions to their relationships.

But moving the plot forward? Not so much.

Which is why, after two weeks of storytelling on maximum overdrive, this week is fairly low on the What the Fang? Scale …

Sookie's Absent-Minded Houseguest

We pick up right where we left off, with little-boy-lost Eric asking Sookie why she smells so good, followed by wondering what she is. He mistakenly refers to her as "Snookie," because having a super-powerful spell cast on you by angry witches apparently isn't enough to eradicate the memory of watching Jersey Shore.

Sookie realizes pretty quickly that there's something seriously off about him, and hits her pedal to the metal.

Once she's down the road a ways, she looks in her rearview mirror and sees that Eric is gone, then breathes a sigh of relief. As Lafayette would say, "Hooker, please." Seriously, Sookie? Have you never seen a horror movie in your life? You never, ever breathe a sigh of relief like that! It's just asking for trouble!

Because sure enough, Eric lunges into the window and makes a grab for her. She piles out of the car and runs away screaming. At this point, I start getting agitated, because I thought the new Sookie was all about not letting vamps walk all over her and this seems totally chicken. But then she turns around and clocks Eric good in the nose. Yes! That's more like it.

He's genuinely surprised and hurt by this. Irritated, she tells him he'll heal quickly since he's a vampire. He responds that he knows what he is; he just doesn't know who he is. In fact the only things he can remember are the calm Viking waters of home, and the cold, empty eyes of Fiona Shaw. "It was her, but it wasn't her," he says, indicating he has some familiarity with the younger woman we saw flashing back and forth with Marnie's face.

Feeling sorry for him, Sookie agrees to take him home and try to help him. But first she sets some ground rules. Rule #1: No touching. Rule #2: No biting. Rule #3: All showers must be taken together. (Okay, I made up Rule #3, but it's a good rule, right?)

Back at her house, Eric pauses at the door like he needs to be invited in. Sookie's just about to tell him no need since the house is his, but she stops herself and makes a big show of inviting him inside. She helps him get comfortable in a nice foot bath, then calls Pam.
At Fangtasia, Pam answers the phone with her typical dead-pan lack of enthusiasm bordering on outright contempt (oh, how I wish I could have Pam around to answer my phone the next time PBS calls during a pledge drive).

Pam is in the back office having a fun little quickie with a guy who's laying on the "ooh, bite me, you bite me so good, bite me hard" shtick a little too heavily for her liking. When Pam hears that Eric is at Sookie's house and has lost his memory, she zips over to Sookie's house faster than it takes the crew of the Enterprise to beam over to neighboring planets.

Pam rushes into Sookie's living room and, after a startled Eric knocks her down, she implores Sookie to keep Eric safely hidden at her place. In the process, she lets slip that Sookie's place is actually Eric's place. D'oh! So much for keeping that little detail on the QT.

Pam explains that she thinks Eric is in grave danger . Her theory is that Bill set him up, sending him to the coven with the hopes he'd wind up dead or seriously messed up at the witches' hands. The reason? Bill had vowed to protect Sookie by destroying everyone who'd had a taste of her, including Eric. Plus, he and Eric obviously can't stand each other. Thinking back to last week's Sookie-Bill meet when he promised her a "workaround" to deal with the Eric home ownership situation, I'm wondering if Pam is right on this.

When Sookie hears that witches are involved, she delivers that priceless line we all first heard in the season preview trailer: "Oh great. Now I have to deal with witches too?" Heh. Hey Sookie, if you think witches are bad, just wait until coming seasons, when you have to deal with trolls, leprechauns, mole men, Smurfs, and Tea Party candidates.

Sookie agrees to help, but says she'll want some sort of compensation in return. I'm guessing that with Eric under her roof, she'll get a whole lot of compensation any time she likes, if you catch my meaning. (My meaning is shower sex).

So Sookie makes over Eric in Jason's hand-me-downs, and the sight of Eric in Jason jock drag is absolutely a riot. She also takes him down to his cubby hiding place, which we now see has that distinctive bachelor-hipster design like some recent MBA grad's first studio apartment. They make small talk all about how even though Eric has tasted Sookie (against her will), she is most definitely not his to own – or any other vampire's for that matter.

There's a wonderful emotional complexity to these scenes with the two of them. As much fun as it is to see Alexander Skarsgard play out the timidity and naiveté brought on by Eric's amnesia, there's an undercurrent of aggression that makes it really unsettling. And Anna Paquin does an outstanding job here revealing Sookie's conflicted responses, equal parts sympathy, annoyance, and fear. It's some of the best acting we've seen from either of them.

Lest you think Sookie is cool with this whole Eric crashing at her place thing, she's not. She goes for help to … Alcide! Mmmm, Alcide.

Alcide is doing well, having accepted a major construction job that's gotten him these cushy new digs. Of course, this is a huge plot hole because the only things being built in America in 2011 are Hoovervilles. Sookie tells him she wants him to "take care" of Eric Northman. Alcide wonders if she means "take care" as in "fit for cement shoes, a la that Edgington guy last year." Sookie assures him that she means help her care for him.

While they're chatting, Alcide's enchanting companion comes in, a Martha Stewartesque domestic goddess bearing a tray of cocktail weiners. Oh wait, that's no domestic goddess. It's a raging psychopath with an uncanny resemblance to 80s teen popstar Tiffany. AKA Debbie Pelz, Alcide's loony-tunes ex.

And as happy as I am to see Joe Manganiello back, I think I just might be even happier to see Debbie, since I love her brand of batsh*t craziness and think this show could use more of it. Especially if there's any hope of a replay of that classic Sookie-Debbie knock-down, drag-out fight, perhaps the greatest TV brawl since Alexis vs. Crystal.

Debbie has been off V for a year, swearing she's found, in no particular order, 12-steps and Jesus. Now she'd like nothing better than to regain Sookie's trust so they can be besties. Sookie reluctantly accepts her embrace, then makes a mad dash for her car.

Alcide follows her out and says he'd like to see if there's anything he can do for Eric, like maybe put him up in one of the new homes he's building in that development. In fact, Eric got him the construction gig in the first place, in gratitude for a few favors Alcide had done for him. (I'm guessing certain favors we saw last year, like offering his truck to bring Edgington to his cement bath, which come to think of it, was in a construction site. Hmmm, could Alcide's cushy new home actually be Edgington's resting place?) Sookie says thanks but no thanks; she'll handle this herself.

Later that night, Sookie is sitting around the house reading a book by someone named Charlaine Harris, whoever that is.

She hears something outside, and goes to investigate. It's Claudine, who demands Sookie accompany her back to Fairyland. Sookie, rightfully, is all, "You crazy." Claudine reminds her that the fairies are her family and can keep her safe. Besides which, her request to come with her isn't really a request.

Just as Claudine is getting all threatening, Eric zips in from nowhere, topples her, and SUCKS HER COMPLETELY DRY!!!, until she's a desiccated goblin corpse. Sookie should really have known better. If you don't want your houseguest eating your stuff, you put a label on it. You do it for milk, you do it for Pop Tarts, and you certainly do it for your Fairy Kin. Duh.

Sookie snarks to Eric, "You killed my fairy godmother!" (Heh!) And a sheepish Eric responds, "Sorry." (Ha!)

WTF Rating: 3. I was totally shocked they killed Claudine off, given she's such a presence in so many of the books. As someone who's read and loved the whole series (yes, yes, I know who Charlaine Harris is – I was just messing with you to see if I could get anybody's head to explode), I've learned to watch this show on its own terms and not make any assumptions about how it will or won't follow the books. But this really seems like a deliberate effort to totally screw with book lovers' expectations. And a perverse part of me sort of loves that.