Shear Genius Recap – 1.1 – “Carrot Top in Drag”

Elimination Challenge! Everyone files into the salon and Rene once again stresses the importance of doing what's best for client. [Naturally this means the loser will be the dingbat who doesn't follow this advice. So many problems in life would be solved if folks just followed simple instructions. Floss every day. Wear a seatbelt. Obey your editor. Uphold the Constitution. Sigh.— Michael Jensen ]

Rene then tells the stylists to go say hi-hi to their clients. Ugh. I think I just threw up a little. Who says hi-hi? Between his attitude and his strange catchphrases, Rene drives me crazy. And not in a good way, like Theodore does. [No, like Dr. Boogie.— Michael Jensen ] Rene proceeds to use the phrase “hi-hi” several more times. He's driving me to drink. If he continues this trend, I think I'll make it a driving game and take a shot every time he says it. That would at least dull the pain.

As the two hour countdown begins, everyone meets his or her client. Those not fortunate enough to already know which celebrity their client wants to look like now get the big reveal.

Lacey's client wants Jennifer Aniston's famous mane. I roll my eyes. How 1997. Clearly this is someone who never got a date in her 20's and stayed home watching Friends obsessively and probably thinks if she could only meet Jennifer that would just so, like, bond totally!

Daisy gets the shock of her life when her client reveals that she wants to look like Christina Aguilera. Did I mention that Daisy's client has very dark hair? And that she wants Christina's current platinum blonde retro-glam style? Honey, Christina doesn't even have hair like that. It's a wig! Daisy starts trying to talk her client out of the blonde thing, but she isn't having it. Oh, Lord. This is gonna get ugly.

Dr. Boogie's client wants Nicole Richie's 70's feathered style. Tyson's model wants to look like Victoria Secret model Giselle. So do most women I know. And some men. Danna's girl lusts after Jessica Alba's locks.

Then there's Jim's client. I already mentioned that she has black hair and wants to look like the platinum blonde Gwen Stefani. Actually, to be precise, she wants white-blonde hair with a bright red streak in the front. Oy. Jim says she's a dream client because she wants to live her dream, or dream a little dream, or something equally absurd. He should be talking her out of this instead of encouraging her lunatic ravings. There's no way he'll get her blonde in under two hours, let alone have time to style it.

Meanwhile, Daisy is still trying to convince her client to try a different color and style. She's been talking for forty minutes and still hasn't so much as touched the woman's head. This is not looking good.

Theodore's client wants to look like Jessica Simpson. So, she wants to look dumb? By the way, I just have to point out that he's doing her hair while wearing only a tiny little tank top. Well, not ONLY. That would be a different show — albeit one I'd totally tune in for week after week. Still, I don't care how cute you are, nobody wants your hairy pits in their face while you're cutting their hair.

Jim is clearly struggling. His client is getting a little nervous. Rene does not help matters. He's going around bugging all the stylists under the guise of mentoring. [I predict someone will be stabbed with styling scissors before the series finishes. Okay, I hope so.—Michael Jensen] As I said earlier, Rene doesn't so much give advice really. He just sort of taunts the stylists and freaks out the clients.

For instance, he makes a point of reminding Tabatha that the bob (Victoria Beckham's signature look) is the hardest cut in the industry. That's pretty much all he says, except to point out she doesn't have a lot of time. Thanks, Rene. That was so helpful.

He then moves on to torture Daisy, who is sinking faster than the Titanic. The only thing he succeeds in doing is freaking out her client even more than she already is. And it was quite clear that she was unhappy to start with. Daisy is quickly running out of time as her client now has red hair, which isn't at all what she wanted, and Daisy doesn't have time to cut it. She throws it up in a quick chignon, leaving a big curl around her face. She looks remarkably like Marcia Cross, aka Bree on Desperate Housewives. That would be great if that's what she was going for, but regrettably, she wanted to look like Christina Aguilera. Who doesn't usually wear her hair in a chignon. And is blonde.