Shear Genius Recap 1.3 - "They're Bloody Crying Already"

Elimination Challenge: Rene the Prick greets the stylists and tells them that their clients for the day have not cut their hair in a very long time. Are they from some weird religious sect? Homeless people? The stylists will have to give them short styles using a variety of strange tools. They have a choice of everything from a box cutter to hedge clippers. I think there's even nail clippers in there. Get out! Can you imagine how long it would take to cut hair using nail clippers? [About as long as it seems to take to watch this episode? . — Michael Jensen]

The troll gets to choose his weapon first. He picks household scissors. They're probably the closest thing to salon scissors up there. Then he reveals his strategy for choosing the order of the other stylists. He's picking those with what he perceives as the weakest cutting skills first, and saving his toughest competition for last. That could easily backfire on him since it puts the better stylists at a disadvantage with tool selection. If they still manage to do a good job anyway, they could easily win. It's a calculated risk. We already saw how well Lacey's risk worked for her. How will Tyson's play out?

Tyson calls Dr. Boogie for second choice, and Boogie also chooses household scissors. Danna does too. How many pairs of household scissors are there? And really, I don't see how that will work to their advantage in the long run. You know the judges are going to grade on a curve. The harder your choice of tool, they easier they're going to go on you. If you choose a relatively easy tool, you'd better have some damn good styling up your sleeve.

Evangelin goes next. She goes right for the hedge clippers. Of course. "I wanted to grab something that made a statement." It does. It says you're even more insane than I gave you credit for.

Theodore follows Evangelin. He has cornrows. Usually, I'm not a big fan of the white boy cornrows, but Theodore somehow pulls it off. He's so pretty. He chooses butcher shears. Just the sound of that is frightening.

Ben chooses gardening shears. Daisy takes the box cutter. Anthony doesn't have much selection by this point. He grabs wire cutters.

That means Tyson saved Tabatha for last. I suppose she could take it as a compliment. The look she gives Tyson, though, leads me to believe he just earned himself an enemy. Without saying a word, she walks over to the trays of tool and selects safety scissors. You remember them, right? Those scissors they made you use in kindergarten that didn't have any real blades so you couldn't accidentally cut your finger off? Yeah. They didn't even cut construction paper. How is she supposed to cut somebody's hair with them?

She looks mad confident, though. Suddenly, Tyson looks a little scared. He should be. Everyone knows trolls shouldn't piss off the Ice Queen.

Rene calls the model clients in by yelling, "Girls, shake it!" That's gonna be another shot.

The stylists get to choose their clients in the same order Tyson called them. They make their picks, then Rene starts the challenge by saying, "Go shake it!" What is wrong with him? Last week it was "hi-hi" and this week it's "shake it." Maybe he's just looking for his own "Make it work," but let's face it. Rene, you are no Tim Gunn.

The stylists all get right to the point of asking their models how short they can go. Most seem pretty game for whatever, even if they are a little nervous. It's a big deal for a woman to cut her hair off like that, especially if she's had long hair for a long time.

Evangelin's client is looking even more nervous than the rest though. I mean, wouldn't you if a crazy person was coming at you with hedge clippers? Evangelin starts whacking away. I feel so sorry for that girl.

Tabatha's model is being difficult. She wants a change, but not too drastic of a change. She wants to cut her hair, but not too short. Tabatha starts to lighten her hair, but then her client panics. Tabatha is about to lose her temper with her, and I don't really blame her. Tabatha holds her head under water until she finally agrees to do what Tabatha wants. Okay, I only wish that happened. Why is this woman here if she wasn't willing to take a risk? Tabatha sums her up nicely by saying, "She was a pain in the ass." Tabatha is so quotable.

Meanwhile, Theodore decides to give his client a hand massage. Say what? Sweetie, this is a timed challenge. You're on a deadline. Stop playing around and cut some hair! He assures us that his timing is "totally fine." I start getting nervous for Theodore. That smelled an awful lot like foreshadowing to me, especially when combined with his earlier conversation with his mom. I need another shot.

Dr. Boogie gets his own dose of foreshadowing when Rene calls him out for playing it safe. Boogie insists it's all a part of his plan. He wants to play it safe and stay in the middle early on, then show what he can do in the final four. Well, that's all well and good, but first you have to get to the final four. Judges never like the "play it safe" strategy.

Tabatha is struggling with the safety scissors. She kind of has to saw through each little bit of hair. I half expect her to start chewing off hunks of hair. I hope she has time to finish!

Six minutes before time is up, Theodore is just getting around to styling his client's hair. I feel a little short of breath [Seriously, Josh? You need to get out more, my friend. — Michael Jensen] Boogie is bouncing around Theodore's station being extremely obnoxious. I think I'd stab him with my butcher shears. Guys, I'm really worried for Theodore.

Rene calls time then tells the models to go change into Cynthia Rowley fashions. Who is this Cynthia Rowley and why does she hate women so? I've never in my entire life seen such ugly and unflattering clothing. She somehow manages to make these thin, attractive women look dumpy, frumpy, and fat. It's like she designs for K-Mart.

Hair show: Jaclyn introduces the guest judge this week. He's styled Madonna, Linda Evangelista, and Scarlett Johansson. He comes out in cloaked in shadow before the light dramatically comes up to reveal... Patrick Stewart? Who knew Captain Picard was a hair stylist? No, not really. Apparently, his name is Garren. That's it. Just the one name. Garren.

The models walk in their hideous outfits. Tyson is smug and trollish. (If that's not a word, it should be.) Then the models come back in and sit in front of their stylists.