"Torchwood" in Ten Minutes "Miracle Day" Episode 107: The Magical Land of Barrow-bum

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on August 20, 2011

Previously on Torchwood, well, a lot of stuff happened, but according to the Starz official previously-s, everyone on earth roamed around like a pack of wild lesbians processing Jack’s mortality.

ELLIS ISLAND, 1928

Immigrants: [Are dressed like the American Girl doll store vomited on them.]

Customs Official: Jack Harkness? I’m looking for Captain Jack Harkness!

Not Captain Jack Harkness: I’m Captain Jack Harkness!

Actual Captain Jack Harkness: Don’t lie. I am Captain Jack Harkness and I have made out with Captain Jack Harkness. You are no Captain Jack Harkness.

SHOPLIFTERS ANONYMOUS HOLDING CELL

Classical Guitar: [Prepares to ham it up like a Gaga in a SPAM suit.]

Captain Jack: You got a name and a sappy story to go along with this music and those bedroom eyes?

Angelo Colesanto: Angelo Colesanto.

Captain Jack: And?

Angelo Colesanto: I grew up in a small village on a cliff in Italy where I taught myself to read and speak English between the many beatings the Church gave to me. When I was still a boy, I read This Side of Paradise, and then The Beautiful and the Damned, and then, two years ago, I began swimming across the Atlantic Ocean to get to America, using only one arm so I could hoist my copy of The Great Gatsby out of the water to keep it dry.

Captain Jack: Good choice. New York really is a concrete jungle where dreams are made of.

Angelo Colesanto: Made of what?

Captain Jack: I don’t know. It’s a thing I heard on Glee.

Angelo Colesanto: What’s a glee?

Captain Jack: Oh, my good gay sir, let’s go. I have much to teach you.

TORCHWOOD HQ

Esther: Sorry again about your girlfriend getting burned alive while you filmed it and loaded it to YouTube.

Rex: Eh, it happens. At least we landed at the top of Buzzfeed.

Gwen: [Kicks down the door, picks up Rex with one arm and throws him through the window, punches a hole through the refrigerator] WHERE’S JACK?!?!